Little Bit,
I don't blog much anymore. It used to be therapeutic. Now it is just painful. It makes me go to those places in my soul that are still so raw and so painful. The depths of the loss of you never eases, and it doesn't need to be repeated constantly to be true and all-encompassing.
The grief has become like an old acquaintance. It's comfortable, familiar now. It has lost the sharpness on the edges. I know it, and it knows me. I look for it, seek it out, rest in it even at times. It keeps me close to you. It reminds me of who you are and who I have become. I never want the pain to cease, because it's my only connection to you for the current time.
6 years later, and I still think about you every day. I still imagine what you would be like. What your place in our family would be like. 8 years old is so different than 2. I still think of you as my chubby, spunky baby. I just can't wrap my brain around what an 8 year old you would be like.
We have kept you a part of our daily lives. You are still integral to our family. Your baby sister talks about you daily. Eli misses you too. In his core, he knows something important to his life is missing. Those 5 weeks you loved him made an impact. And Gracie and Malachi never met you, but they know you too. They call you their sister, and they tell your stories like they are their own.
Samuel still bears the weight of your loss, and Anna Faith still cries for the lost time with you. She still aches to sing and dance with you early in the morning, and he misses giggling at your bossing. And Nathan, as he enters this new phase of his life, can't help but look back and process and long for lost time. You were best buddies. You were his pair. And you have forever impacted us all.
We have tried to continue on and honor your legacy and your memory Little Bit. We share your story any chance we have. You are our inspiration. But I would rather just have you back. I would rather hold your little, chunky hand again, and listen to you count and sing songs badly at the top of your lungs. I'd rather watch you pitch a fit or ride your pink scooter, or really, really enjoy chocolate. Thank you as always for the gift of your 2 years. We will never get over you or past the crushing feeling that this is just so wrong. It still takes my breath away and make the blood go cold in my veins. The trauma is still real and fresh and constant. And the memories are still beautiful, precious, and far too few.
We love you Little Bit!
Monday, April 11, 2016
Friday, April 12, 2013
Dear Abigail on your 5th birthday
Little Bit,
You would be 5 years old now. I can't even wrap my brain around that. I don't know how tall you would be or how long your hair would be. I don't know how you would talk or what would make you smile. I struggled even trying to make you a cake this year because I don't know what flavor you would choose or what your favorite color would be. I made you pink brownies. I imagine you would still love chocolate.
I am struck this year on how much the world is missing out on not having you in it. Your fire and passion would have made an impact. In just 2 short years, you made such an impression on those you met. Your dimples and your grin stuck in people's minds. You weren't just one of the crowd. You, my little one, were special.
And you still are. There is a huge, aching, gaping hole that you left.
We still talk about you every single day. You are always apart of our stories and our memories. And the honest truth is I still fight the thought that you aren't here. You SHOULD be. You should be mothering Eli like I knew you would, and getting into Anna Faith's things, and yelling at Samuel for whatever was currently upsetting you. You should be making me pull my hair out and grin at the same time. You should be wrapping your daddy around your little finger and getting whatever you wanted with your spunkiness and persistence. And you most definitely should be fighting and playing and loving Gracie and Malachi, and your new baby sister Mila. It hurts so much that you aren't doing these things.
I know you will always be a part of us. We will never forget you. We will see you again. But we want you here now. And we always will. Today I'm just frustrated. And hurting. But I'm determined to tell your story. And remember you. And to live my life with the same passion you lived yours. You are my inspiration baby girl.
I treasure each tiny memory of you. I go over them in my head frequently--the images, thoughts, emotions, smiles. I physically ache to hold you and smell you and kiss your little head, even after 3 long years.
I will continue to fight your fight baby girl. I will fight for other children at risk--orphans fighting for survival, children in danger by vehicles. You drive me to fight for them. I have courage because you taught me how.
I love you my little bit. Happy 5th birthday!
You would be 5 years old now. I can't even wrap my brain around that. I don't know how tall you would be or how long your hair would be. I don't know how you would talk or what would make you smile. I struggled even trying to make you a cake this year because I don't know what flavor you would choose or what your favorite color would be. I made you pink brownies. I imagine you would still love chocolate.
I am struck this year on how much the world is missing out on not having you in it. Your fire and passion would have made an impact. In just 2 short years, you made such an impression on those you met. Your dimples and your grin stuck in people's minds. You weren't just one of the crowd. You, my little one, were special.
And you still are. There is a huge, aching, gaping hole that you left.
We still talk about you every single day. You are always apart of our stories and our memories. And the honest truth is I still fight the thought that you aren't here. You SHOULD be. You should be mothering Eli like I knew you would, and getting into Anna Faith's things, and yelling at Samuel for whatever was currently upsetting you. You should be making me pull my hair out and grin at the same time. You should be wrapping your daddy around your little finger and getting whatever you wanted with your spunkiness and persistence. And you most definitely should be fighting and playing and loving Gracie and Malachi, and your new baby sister Mila. It hurts so much that you aren't doing these things.
I know you will always be a part of us. We will never forget you. We will see you again. But we want you here now. And we always will. Today I'm just frustrated. And hurting. But I'm determined to tell your story. And remember you. And to live my life with the same passion you lived yours. You are my inspiration baby girl.
I treasure each tiny memory of you. I go over them in my head frequently--the images, thoughts, emotions, smiles. I physically ache to hold you and smell you and kiss your little head, even after 3 long years.
I will continue to fight your fight baby girl. I will fight for other children at risk--orphans fighting for survival, children in danger by vehicles. You drive me to fight for them. I have courage because you taught me how.
I love you my little bit. Happy 5th birthday!
So I haven't been great about blogging the past year...
Dear long neglected blog,
I wanted to do a quick catch up on some of the things we have been busy with over the last year. First in August, we welcomed Mila Love, and she has been pure joy for us.
Nathan worked on his eagle scout project. We are so proud of his strength and bravery. He honored his sister and tried to save other children at the same time. Here is an article on his work.
Nathan's Eagle Scout project-in memory of Abigail
And Michael, Mila, and I travelled to DC to urge our government to issue a rear visibility standard. The legislation requiring a new standard was signed by the president on 2008. It passed unanimously with 80 co sponsors and bipartisan support. The new standard was due out in 2011. It is 2013 and this is unacceptable. We bought plane tickets and joined a group of parents in DC on April 11, the 3rd anniversary of losing Abigail. We interviewed with CNN, spoke to USA Today, participated in a press conference, and met with our senators and representative in their office. We hope they do the right thing. Keeping our children in danger because of bureaucracy is simply unacceptable. With 50 kids hit each week, and 70,000 backover accidents having occurred since this bill was signed, we must do something now. Blind zones of up to 50 feet behind vehicles is more than dangerous for all of us, but especially the elderly, the disabled, and children. We must protect them, and ourselves. We are at risk of causing one of these accidents every time we are behind the wheel because we simply can not see. The cost of cameras is minimal. It adds less than $100 to the cost of a new car. We have done so much to protect passengers inside vehicles. It is not time to protect those outside the vehicles. We strongly encourage anyone reading this to contact your members of Congress in Washington today to urge them to make sure this rule comes out immediately and that it is effective in such a way to prevent these accidents. 34% of preventable fatalities in children are caused by backovers. It is too late for Abigail, but many other lives will be saved because of this standard and rear view cameras on all vehicles. Here is our interview at CNN and the article at USA Today.
CNN interview
USA Today article
I wanted to do a quick catch up on some of the things we have been busy with over the last year. First in August, we welcomed Mila Love, and she has been pure joy for us.
Nathan worked on his eagle scout project. We are so proud of his strength and bravery. He honored his sister and tried to save other children at the same time. Here is an article on his work.
Nathan's Eagle Scout project-in memory of Abigail
And Michael, Mila, and I travelled to DC to urge our government to issue a rear visibility standard. The legislation requiring a new standard was signed by the president on 2008. It passed unanimously with 80 co sponsors and bipartisan support. The new standard was due out in 2011. It is 2013 and this is unacceptable. We bought plane tickets and joined a group of parents in DC on April 11, the 3rd anniversary of losing Abigail. We interviewed with CNN, spoke to USA Today, participated in a press conference, and met with our senators and representative in their office. We hope they do the right thing. Keeping our children in danger because of bureaucracy is simply unacceptable. With 50 kids hit each week, and 70,000 backover accidents having occurred since this bill was signed, we must do something now. Blind zones of up to 50 feet behind vehicles is more than dangerous for all of us, but especially the elderly, the disabled, and children. We must protect them, and ourselves. We are at risk of causing one of these accidents every time we are behind the wheel because we simply can not see. The cost of cameras is minimal. It adds less than $100 to the cost of a new car. We have done so much to protect passengers inside vehicles. It is not time to protect those outside the vehicles. We strongly encourage anyone reading this to contact your members of Congress in Washington today to urge them to make sure this rule comes out immediately and that it is effective in such a way to prevent these accidents. 34% of preventable fatalities in children are caused by backovers. It is too late for Abigail, but many other lives will be saved because of this standard and rear view cameras on all vehicles. Here is our interview at CNN and the article at USA Today.
CNN interview
USA Today article
Sunday, June 3, 2012
One year ago today...
One year ago today, Gracie and Malachi started a new life. They left the orphanage for the last time. They began life as a daughter and son, brother and sister, grandchildren and cousins, for the first time. The old life will always be a part of who they are and their story. But we are so thankful they are also part of us now and our story. This past year has been a time of ups and downs. A time of learning, adjusting, and growing for us. A time of stretching and beautiful transformation in our hearts and theirs. Thank you Lord for the amazing gift these children are to our family. This past year hasn't always been easy for us or them. But I wouldn't change a thing.
Then...
Now...
Saturday, May 19, 2012
The Hope Project
I am so excited to be involved in setting up our non-profit in Abigail's memory finally. It has been a long time coming, but it feels great to be doing something actively helps others in her name. My spunky one wouldn't have waited until everything was perfect before jumping in with both feet, so I guess I can't either. So here goes...
As we went through the adoption process ourselves, it became so clear to us how important fundraising and networking are. There are so many small ministries out there involved in adoption and orphan care that it is hard to keep track. It is also so time-consuming for adoptive parents to track down the needed support and information when they are adjusting to life with their newly adopted children. And you all know how exhausting fundraising is. The Hope Project is our way to try to meet some of those needs. We plan to offer fundraising opportunites and grants for adopting families, as well as a central place they can come to find resources, support, and information through the paperwork process and early adjustments. We want this ministry to reach out to families adopting locally, internationally, special needs, not special needs, infants, older children, you get the picture. Not adopting? We are all called to care for the orphan, and the Hope Project will give you a central location to network with the various ministries around the globe doing just that. Our website will be a central location for you to go and find ways you can help and get involved, and also to help support adoptive families in your life.
I am thrilled about our first big event. In September, we are holding our first mom's retreat and conference at Camp Sumatanga, Alabama. Adoptive moms, future adoptive moms, support people, and even just women with a heart for orphan care will be encouraged, energized, and equipped at this event. We are planning a weekend of relaxation, education, and fun, with a range of speakers, break-out sessions, and ministries represented throughout the weekend. I can not wait. And we need your support. If The Hope Project is to succeed, we need you to help spread the word. We need to have our website all over the internet--facebook, twitter, you name it. Share and share again. You never know who might need to see it. We are praying that God blesses this ministry in abundance so that it in turn can bless the "least of these" world wide. Donations are accepted and much appreciated as we try to get off the ground. And so, after that lengthy introduction, I give you, The Hope Project...
www.adoptionhopeproject.org
As we went through the adoption process ourselves, it became so clear to us how important fundraising and networking are. There are so many small ministries out there involved in adoption and orphan care that it is hard to keep track. It is also so time-consuming for adoptive parents to track down the needed support and information when they are adjusting to life with their newly adopted children. And you all know how exhausting fundraising is. The Hope Project is our way to try to meet some of those needs. We plan to offer fundraising opportunites and grants for adopting families, as well as a central place they can come to find resources, support, and information through the paperwork process and early adjustments. We want this ministry to reach out to families adopting locally, internationally, special needs, not special needs, infants, older children, you get the picture. Not adopting? We are all called to care for the orphan, and the Hope Project will give you a central location to network with the various ministries around the globe doing just that. Our website will be a central location for you to go and find ways you can help and get involved, and also to help support adoptive families in your life.
I am thrilled about our first big event. In September, we are holding our first mom's retreat and conference at Camp Sumatanga, Alabama. Adoptive moms, future adoptive moms, support people, and even just women with a heart for orphan care will be encouraged, energized, and equipped at this event. We are planning a weekend of relaxation, education, and fun, with a range of speakers, break-out sessions, and ministries represented throughout the weekend. I can not wait. And we need your support. If The Hope Project is to succeed, we need you to help spread the word. We need to have our website all over the internet--facebook, twitter, you name it. Share and share again. You never know who might need to see it. We are praying that God blesses this ministry in abundance so that it in turn can bless the "least of these" world wide. Donations are accepted and much appreciated as we try to get off the ground. And so, after that lengthy introduction, I give you, The Hope Project...
www.adoptionhopeproject.org
Wednesday, April 25, 2012
Dear Abigail-2 years later
It's amazing how even 2 years later how much of a struggle this still is-life without you little bit. I've gotten better at pretending I'm functioning. When I meet new people, I don't immediately tell them about you like I used to. But that wears on me too. I always include you in my number of kids count and my run down of ages. When I get to 2 two year olds, I always get questions about twins. I just say no, I don't have any twins. Fake smiles and fake laughs are sometimes necessary to be socially acceptable. And functioning in society is necessary even when I still just want to bury my head. I still turn my head when someone calls your name. I am hopeful without even recognizing why. Celebrating your 4th birthday without you was excruciating. Easter, your bday, and the 11th all on top of each other was a trifecta of doom. We made it through clinging to each other. The void you left is just so huge my little one. You changed me and I'm forever thankful for that. I am a more patient person. I see the world differently. Sometimes that means I just don't care about things everyone else does. I don't know if that is a good thing or not, but it just is. Your spunk prepared me to deal with Grace's. I wish you were here learning about Grace and Malachi. I wish I could see you play with the E-i you love so much. I'm sure you would be chasing him now to give him the kisses you couldn't resist giving. And I desperately wish you were here to welcome your baby sister in September. You would be old enough to anticipate this time. Old enough to be excited. I promise to tell her all about you. You are still part of our everyday life and conversation. My heart just hurts without you my love. The grief is a constant ache, but sometimes it becomes a tsunami and I drown in its approach. There are no words for the panic and desperation that it leaves in its wake. I just miss you. And I need you. And I love you my little passionate little bit.
Father-carry me. There is none of me left. I am broken. Use me for your will. Bind my fears. Give me boldness. I need Your strength.
Father-carry me. There is none of me left. I am broken. Use me for your will. Bind my fears. Give me boldness. I need Your strength.
Saturday, February 11, 2012
Writing
I have just been so tapped out emotionally here lately. It feels like there isn't enough of me left to try to form words over the last few days. But then I start typing and the words pour. They were locked in their somewhere all along I guess.
We are entering a hard season. I dread spring and I hate that. Spring has always been my favorite. I loved Easter, birthdays, and spring. But now those things are so interwoven with loss and pain that I really struggle with them and tend to deal with that by just ignoring them. Fortunately, my kids just won't allow that. We have 6 birthdays in 5 months this spring. Add to that 4 children in 3 different dance recitals, one child working on his eagle scout requirements, 5 playing sports of some kind, and I can't just put my head under the covers like I really want to. I really really want to. I have to face the world and face the spring, for good or bad.
This season started last weekend with Malachi's first birthday home. Sweet boy had such a good time at his first ever party. His slightly older sister, on the other hand, did not understand why it wasn't also her big day. It's going to be a long wait till June for her, lol.
Then this week, that same sweet boy had to go through some minor surgeries. That was rough. Watching him react in terror and fear that I was abandoning him broke my heart. I love that kid. He is doing ok now, but again Grace doesn't understand why he is getting Popsicles and jello and she isn't.
Next up is Eli's birthday and the day he passes Abigail in age, followed closely by her birthday and the anniversary of the day we lost her. This year, Easter is going to be nicely rolled into that weekend, so all 3 will be within a few days. I want to teach my kids to joy and beauty of Easter, but I'm worried about that dark hole that will be following me around at that point.
Please pray for me. Pray that I can be the mommy they need me to be, while still being honest with them about my grief and respectful of them and their grief. Ignoring the grief isn't the answer. And ignoring the days that bring pain isn't either. It's a balancing act. I guess all of life is. I hurt for my brother in his loss of his son back in the fall, but I celebrate with my friend Kate as she brings home her little girl from Ukraine this week. Back and forth, back and forth. Lord, bring me a sense of peace and stillness in this busy season. Give me focus. I do not want to get caught up in the daily grind and miss the big sacrifices and courage you are asking of me, and I also want to be truly thankful for each moment that feels like just another chore or another repetitive task. I remind myself constantly of what I wouldn't give to do her laundry again or to teach her her colors or to change her diaper. Those daily moments that are so hard are what I miss the most.
We are entering a hard season. I dread spring and I hate that. Spring has always been my favorite. I loved Easter, birthdays, and spring. But now those things are so interwoven with loss and pain that I really struggle with them and tend to deal with that by just ignoring them. Fortunately, my kids just won't allow that. We have 6 birthdays in 5 months this spring. Add to that 4 children in 3 different dance recitals, one child working on his eagle scout requirements, 5 playing sports of some kind, and I can't just put my head under the covers like I really want to. I really really want to. I have to face the world and face the spring, for good or bad.
This season started last weekend with Malachi's first birthday home. Sweet boy had such a good time at his first ever party. His slightly older sister, on the other hand, did not understand why it wasn't also her big day. It's going to be a long wait till June for her, lol.
Then this week, that same sweet boy had to go through some minor surgeries. That was rough. Watching him react in terror and fear that I was abandoning him broke my heart. I love that kid. He is doing ok now, but again Grace doesn't understand why he is getting Popsicles and jello and she isn't.
Next up is Eli's birthday and the day he passes Abigail in age, followed closely by her birthday and the anniversary of the day we lost her. This year, Easter is going to be nicely rolled into that weekend, so all 3 will be within a few days. I want to teach my kids to joy and beauty of Easter, but I'm worried about that dark hole that will be following me around at that point.
Please pray for me. Pray that I can be the mommy they need me to be, while still being honest with them about my grief and respectful of them and their grief. Ignoring the grief isn't the answer. And ignoring the days that bring pain isn't either. It's a balancing act. I guess all of life is. I hurt for my brother in his loss of his son back in the fall, but I celebrate with my friend Kate as she brings home her little girl from Ukraine this week. Back and forth, back and forth. Lord, bring me a sense of peace and stillness in this busy season. Give me focus. I do not want to get caught up in the daily grind and miss the big sacrifices and courage you are asking of me, and I also want to be truly thankful for each moment that feels like just another chore or another repetitive task. I remind myself constantly of what I wouldn't give to do her laundry again or to teach her her colors or to change her diaper. Those daily moments that are so hard are what I miss the most.
Friday, February 10, 2012
My crazy passion
As most of you know, I volunteer to place and supervise exchange students locally. I love working with these students. I just love the students. With a house full of kids and a crazy schedule right now, I just can't get out and see the world like I would love to do. My students bring the world to me.
I remember moving to England for school. I had my husband and my son. I didn't have a language barrier (or much of one anyway). And it was still a lonely scary step. I want these students to be comfortable stepping out and doing something incredibly brave. I want them to have a great support system and lots of encouragement. I love to see them thriving in their host homes, churches, and schools. I love to see them learning and understanding American culture apart from hollywood's version and negative images and maybe understanding our differences AND similarities better. It brings the world closer together I think. And it's important. It is so important to think about the world outside your own little corner, your own culture.
And then there are my children. I want them to also see the world. I want them to know and experience culture, diversity, tolerance, and love. I want them to know compassion and understanding. I want them to know that the whole world doesn't do everything just like we do and that's ok. I want their lives to be rich with experience. I can't take them to do all those things. Our students bring those experiences to us. We've learned about dancing around Christmas trees, open faced sandwiches, and how to share a room. We've also learned to look at ourselves and our own choices a little more carefully and to even laugh at ourselves a little. We've learned to appreciate what we have and the resources at our disposal already. And we've learned so much about communication.
Hosting and working with exchange students is one of the most rewarding things we have done as a family. This is why I'm so passionate about my students. This is why I am constantly bringing them up. This is why I spend so much time desperately seeking great host homes for them so that those left behind are few and most get the opportunity of a lifetime. The numbers left behind last year are heart breaking. And this is why my own children will take their turn, get out of their comfort zone, learn a language, and see part of the world on their own exchange year. Consider what hosting could do in your family. I'm happy to help you find a great student from anywhere in the world-Brazil to Moldova, France to Thailand.
I remember moving to England for school. I had my husband and my son. I didn't have a language barrier (or much of one anyway). And it was still a lonely scary step. I want these students to be comfortable stepping out and doing something incredibly brave. I want them to have a great support system and lots of encouragement. I love to see them thriving in their host homes, churches, and schools. I love to see them learning and understanding American culture apart from hollywood's version and negative images and maybe understanding our differences AND similarities better. It brings the world closer together I think. And it's important. It is so important to think about the world outside your own little corner, your own culture.
And then there are my children. I want them to also see the world. I want them to know and experience culture, diversity, tolerance, and love. I want them to know compassion and understanding. I want them to know that the whole world doesn't do everything just like we do and that's ok. I want their lives to be rich with experience. I can't take them to do all those things. Our students bring those experiences to us. We've learned about dancing around Christmas trees, open faced sandwiches, and how to share a room. We've also learned to look at ourselves and our own choices a little more carefully and to even laugh at ourselves a little. We've learned to appreciate what we have and the resources at our disposal already. And we've learned so much about communication.
Hosting and working with exchange students is one of the most rewarding things we have done as a family. This is why I'm so passionate about my students. This is why I am constantly bringing them up. This is why I spend so much time desperately seeking great host homes for them so that those left behind are few and most get the opportunity of a lifetime. The numbers left behind last year are heart breaking. And this is why my own children will take their turn, get out of their comfort zone, learn a language, and see part of the world on their own exchange year. Consider what hosting could do in your family. I'm happy to help you find a great student from anywhere in the world-Brazil to Moldova, France to Thailand.
Friday, January 13, 2012
What is adoption to me?
What is this beautiful, painful, complicated thing called adoption? It is an incredible work of God. It is turning this
And this
And this
Into this
And this
It is finding children who don't know how to smile
Or receive love
And who own nothing, not even the too small
And mis matched clothes on their backs
And turning them into this
And this
With a family
And life
And freedom
It is a beautiful, transformative work of God that brings HOPE to lives and LIFE to families. The hard parts and the fun parts-it is all worth it.
And this
And this
Into this
And this
It is finding children who don't know how to smile
Or receive love
And who own nothing, not even the too small
And mis matched clothes on their backs
And turning them into this
And this
With a family
And life
And freedom
It is a beautiful, transformative work of God that brings HOPE to lives and LIFE to families. The hard parts and the fun parts-it is all worth it.
Grace and Malachi pictures
Thanks to this blogger app, I can now upload pictures here so much easier! Here are some catch up pictures for the past several months.
Friday, January 6, 2012
Elijah
My sweet baby Eli, what can I say about him? First of all, his blond curls slay me. If that chubby baby gives me his cute grin and shakes those curls at me, I'm pretty much butter. He is loud, opinionated, and so irrististably cute. He loves to give kisses, cuddle, and is very smart. I love my little surprise baby. He runs the show around here, as long as Grace lets him.
I can see Abigail kissing on him that last morning and I ache to know how they would interact now. I imagine a lot of head butting and arguing, lol.
In March, my baby boy will be older than his big sister. That is so painful. I don't know how I will get past that day. I am so proud of him and I love watching his little personality blossom, but I dread him passing her. It seems so final. I know that is insane. She will have been gone 2 years, but once she is pushed out of her place in the birth order...it just seems so wrong.
So my sweet, chubby, chewable Eli, I love you. I adore you. And I can't get enough of your squishy love. I am so thankful I have you, and I promise I will cherish every day with you no matter how much trouble you get in or how loud you are.
I can see Abigail kissing on him that last morning and I ache to know how they would interact now. I imagine a lot of head butting and arguing, lol.
In March, my baby boy will be older than his big sister. That is so painful. I don't know how I will get past that day. I am so proud of him and I love watching his little personality blossom, but I dread him passing her. It seems so final. I know that is insane. She will have been gone 2 years, but once she is pushed out of her place in the birth order...it just seems so wrong.
So my sweet, chubby, chewable Eli, I love you. I adore you. And I can't get enough of your squishy love. I am so thankful I have you, and I promise I will cherish every day with you no matter how much trouble you get in or how loud you are.
Monday, December 12, 2011
Abigail
Next by age comes my Abigail. My spunky little bit. I don't know how big she would be. I don't know what words she would know or what new tricks she would have. I don't know how she would look or what clothes or food she would prefer. I don't get to watch her dance her heart out in ballet. All I have left are my memories. Pictures don't do her justice. But both are priceless to me.
Thursday, December 8, 2011
Malachi
Malachi. My sweet, silly, hidden gem. This little boy was shy and got passed over a lot. He was quiet and cooperative. He didn't demand the attention Grace got. He didn't expect to be singled out or given love or affection. Oh, but how he loves it all now. My Malachi, that was afraid to give us a hug or sit in our lap, who was afraid to even look at us, much less speak to us, my Malachi how you have blossomed. You have become the most snuggly, chatty, affectionate little man. You bring me gifts all the time with your big grin. You love to climb into my lap and snuggle and love as long as I will sit. I never imagined you could have come alive this much in just 6 short months. And how you have brought joy to my heart.
In the orphanage, Malachi was serious. We spent most of our time in work-play with him--moving sticks or wiping down boards. He didn't come to us for cuddles and love. He didn't talk our ear off like Grace. He just quietly interacted. I know how shy he is and how hard that must have been for him. He is such a brave boy.
When we first got him out in Kiev, I thought he had lost his mind, lol. The overstimulation and nervousness made for lots of mad-scientist like giggling, hyperactivity, and running. Oh the running. The first thing we did when we got home was buy a stroller so we wouldn't lose him. How terrifying the world must have been. We still catch that giggle and know he is getting overstimulated or scared. We now know how to handle it fortunately. Those early days, I didn't know how we would ever be able to leave the house. The only activity he wanted to do when we got home was sweep. He swept and swept and swept. He will still go get the broom if he is worrying about something.
But now, my sweet Malachi knows how to play with toys. He will walk to the car by himself, where at first he was terrified to the point of screaming. He will play outside and upstairs with his siblings or alone, whereas those first days he would just sit on the couch giggling. And he will go in the back yard and play with our giant black dog, the dog he was so terrified to even see out the window. Malachi, what a brave boy you are to face these fears and adapt. To learn to trust us when you have no reason to.
We were told that Malachi was a picky eater. What we found was that no one had encouraged him to try food. His fear kept him from trying, but with a little encouragement, he will eat anything now and lots of it. We were told he was delayed in speech and learning. What we found was that he is so thoroughly shy that he probably didn't perform for those testing him. He is in fact extremely bright and just as chatty as Grace when you give him the chance.
And my sweet Malachi was living with eyes that were terribly farsighted and so different in prescriptions that the eye doctor was surprised his eye hadn't turned in yet. He now sports and adorable pair of eye glasses, which he is learning to face the world with and not hide in fear.
This little guy still has moments of fear. He still fixates on certain things like his jacket and he can't control his emotions when you take that item from him (say to buckle in the car), but he is working on it. If we are calm and patiently explain and reassure him, he adjusts and will calm down now. He no longer panics that food isn't available, but is in fact cooking. He knows how to wait and that the food is coming soon. He knows to run to me for help when he is overhwhelmed instead of the pointless running to nowhere he did in the beginning.
And wow this kid can talk. His English is age level now, despite an adorable, age-appropriate little lisp. He asks questions, he wants to learn, and he loves to show me his new tricks. He knows that he will get the praise and ackowledgement and he now knows he loves it. He now loves to play with Samuel and his legos or Anna Faith and her music. He isn't afraid of Nathan but loves a good tackle. And oh how he loves Eli. He tells him all day long and watches him with a huge, adoring grin. And of course, he still loves to play with Grace. I love watching them interact. They now argue in English instead of Russian, but she has always been his encouragement and his support. She has been the one he could trust through this whole process. This would have been so much harder without having her by his side to blast the way. And now she hides behind him when she is unsure and he gets a chance to be the strong one. He is learning to follow his protective instinct to take care of those he loves. He is breaking down those walls of fear. We love you too our shy little man. Our "angel boy" as your nannies called you.
In the orphanage, Malachi was serious. We spent most of our time in work-play with him--moving sticks or wiping down boards. He didn't come to us for cuddles and love. He didn't talk our ear off like Grace. He just quietly interacted. I know how shy he is and how hard that must have been for him. He is such a brave boy.
When we first got him out in Kiev, I thought he had lost his mind, lol. The overstimulation and nervousness made for lots of mad-scientist like giggling, hyperactivity, and running. Oh the running. The first thing we did when we got home was buy a stroller so we wouldn't lose him. How terrifying the world must have been. We still catch that giggle and know he is getting overstimulated or scared. We now know how to handle it fortunately. Those early days, I didn't know how we would ever be able to leave the house. The only activity he wanted to do when we got home was sweep. He swept and swept and swept. He will still go get the broom if he is worrying about something.
But now, my sweet Malachi knows how to play with toys. He will walk to the car by himself, where at first he was terrified to the point of screaming. He will play outside and upstairs with his siblings or alone, whereas those first days he would just sit on the couch giggling. And he will go in the back yard and play with our giant black dog, the dog he was so terrified to even see out the window. Malachi, what a brave boy you are to face these fears and adapt. To learn to trust us when you have no reason to.
We were told that Malachi was a picky eater. What we found was that no one had encouraged him to try food. His fear kept him from trying, but with a little encouragement, he will eat anything now and lots of it. We were told he was delayed in speech and learning. What we found was that he is so thoroughly shy that he probably didn't perform for those testing him. He is in fact extremely bright and just as chatty as Grace when you give him the chance.
And my sweet Malachi was living with eyes that were terribly farsighted and so different in prescriptions that the eye doctor was surprised his eye hadn't turned in yet. He now sports and adorable pair of eye glasses, which he is learning to face the world with and not hide in fear.
This little guy still has moments of fear. He still fixates on certain things like his jacket and he can't control his emotions when you take that item from him (say to buckle in the car), but he is working on it. If we are calm and patiently explain and reassure him, he adjusts and will calm down now. He no longer panics that food isn't available, but is in fact cooking. He knows how to wait and that the food is coming soon. He knows to run to me for help when he is overhwhelmed instead of the pointless running to nowhere he did in the beginning.
And wow this kid can talk. His English is age level now, despite an adorable, age-appropriate little lisp. He asks questions, he wants to learn, and he loves to show me his new tricks. He knows that he will get the praise and ackowledgement and he now knows he loves it. He now loves to play with Samuel and his legos or Anna Faith and her music. He isn't afraid of Nathan but loves a good tackle. And oh how he loves Eli. He tells him all day long and watches him with a huge, adoring grin. And of course, he still loves to play with Grace. I love watching them interact. They now argue in English instead of Russian, but she has always been his encouragement and his support. She has been the one he could trust through this whole process. This would have been so much harder without having her by his side to blast the way. And now she hides behind him when she is unsure and he gets a chance to be the strong one. He is learning to follow his protective instinct to take care of those he loves. He is breaking down those walls of fear. We love you too our shy little man. Our "angel boy" as your nannies called you.
Grace
I know I have been absent from the blogging world. My apologies. I have actually written a lot, and just not published them. I wrote a long blog post on Grace, but it disappeared, lol. I just haven't had the time to re-do it until now. So here goes. I hope I don't lose this one.
I have thought a lot about how to update on Grace. Since I haven't posted much since we got home (I'd rather interact with them, than try to tell you all how they are doing-sorry!), but that leaves a lot of changes to catch you up on. I think my best approach will be to try to tell you what we saw when she first got home, and the many changes (improvements!) we have seen in our little gypsy, but also to be real, I want to tell you the issues we continue to work on now.
First of all, I know I just write Grace, but I call her Gracie (or Gracie-bear, lol). For a time we were calling her by the name she was used to-Ira and Grace, but over time, she started referring to herself as only Gracie, and so that is the name that has stuck. Actually, at the orphanage, she was most often called by her old last name, and that just doesn't work so, Gracie it is. She loves to say her full name with her Ukrainian name, then Gracie, then our last name. So much pride on her face!
Anyway, my little lively one was the leader in her groupa. The nannies warned us repeatedly that she would get her way everytime, lol. We were also warned that she was a gypsy (to which I replied cool!), but that along with that would come sneakiness and manipulation (so, you are saying she is a kid?! yeah, I got that). We saw some of the behaviors they jokingly warned us about visiting her in Ukraine. She would simply raise her hand to Malachi and he would instantly hand her whatever it is that she wanted. When we first arrived home, she would pitch the most impressive fits. Unfortanately (fortunately?) for her, being the 6th child I have brought into my home, a fit, no matter how impressive, doesn't bother me one little bit. I would simply remove her from the situation, let her lay on her bed and get it out while I stood in the doorway. After a time, she would tell me she was all done (with signs at first and words to come). It was loud for a time in our house, but it didn't take her long to figure out things didn't work here the way she was used to, lol. She is also not one of the oldest here, so that has been a little bit of an adjustment for her, but we are getting there. I would honestly say those fits and the demanding have been the biggest issue we have faced with her and the most ongoing of issues we are still dealing with today. In the beginning, I was dealing with 6-7 fits a day and now, it is more like one a week. Big improvement, and not outside of the realm of normal for a 4 year old.
Our other big adjustment issue with Grace was language. She is and has always been very verbal. In the process of learning a new language, little ones go through a period of losing their original language before they learn the new one enough to be fluent. For Grace, this period was difficult. She would actually talk in a baby babble to try to get herself understood. We tried to help her with her frustration with a mix of charades, itranslate, Russian, and English. Now, she is very fluent in English and her language skills are almost to age level. That time in between came at the same time that she was experiencing some heavy grief over losing her caregivers and the only life she had ever known. I don't think at any point she wasn't happy to be here. I expected her to be, I would completely understand if she was, but I don't think she was. She was always willing to find comfort from me, even would seek me out for comfort, but that loss is still a loss. I do know too much about dealing with grief in children, and her grief looked a lot like the grief my other children have been living with. I see less and less of it daily, although we do still talk about her friends, and look at pictures. They will always be part of her life, as will her Ukrainian culture.
There are a couple of physical issues Grace has had to deal with upon coming home. The first issue we had to deal with is that her hip was out of place. It had probably always been. Because it was so out of place, she couldn't pick that leg up off the ground, march, or walk up stairs properly. Our chiropractor has been amazing at helping get it in the right place, and we are working now on practicing using her leg the right way and strengthening those muscles. The second issue is that Grace didn't know how to chew properly. We noticed that she would either hold the food in her mouth till it dissovled, or would just roll the food around in her mouth with her tongue. She never chewed with her teeth. After seeing the dentist and ruling out dental problems, aside from a really bad thumb-sucking bite, and seeing the chiropractor to make sure her jaw was in alignment, we have been working with her on chewing. At first we manually moved the food to her teeth with our fingers and demonstrated how to chew with her teeth. Now, she does need reminding on occasion, but she can move the food over with her own tongue and knows how to chew with her back teeth.
Grace is tiny. She seems younger than her 4 years in a large part because of her size. She is shorter than Malachi and everything about her is tiny--hands, feet, everthing but her grin. That girl could charm anyone with her smile. The problem is that she knows it. Initially, we were dealing with a lot of indiscriminate friendliness, to use an adoption term. She would go to anyone, talk to anyone, hug anyone, and give that huge fake grin to charm anyone-to get what she wanted or to get out of trouble. We have worked with her these past 6 months on understanding who mommy and daddy are, who her siblings are, and who it is appropriate to hug or not. She is doing great. I was worried in the beginning that this problem would last a long time. I mostly kept her very close to me and turned her affection toward me at all opportunities when I saw her heading toward someone else. I also made sure all care for her needs came from Michael or I and that we didn't leave her. I have only left her now to attend my nephew's funeral, to take Anna Faith for surgery, and one night of Christmas shopping. She now clearly prefers me and will actually move away from strangers trying to touch her. I am blown away at how quickly this little girl has adapted. She is very affectionate and loves to touch my face gently and give me hugs and kisses. She will stretch her arms out wide and say "Gimme love Momma!" Oh, she has my heart.
With her siblings, our biggest concern was how the newbies would treat Eli. We had nothing to worry about. Grace mommas him like she raised him. She follows him around, gives him everything he wants, and tells him constantly how much she loves him. Abigail, my love, she is doing you proud in her care of your baby. She butts heads most thoroughly with Anna Faith, but they are finding common ground. She adores Malachi and Samuel, although she of course prefers to be in charge. With Nathan, she warmed up slowly. This was painful for Nathan, but now they are good buddies. If he is sitting on the ground, she will pounce on him and expect to be tickled and carried and swung around--all the things that big brothers are so good for.
When I think back to how new the world was for this little one, I am blown away at how well she is doing and has always done. She had not seen outside of her orphanage walls. She had not ridden in a car, eaten at a restaurant, slept in a big bed, been in a crowd. She has taken to life with all the spunkiness she was born with and that carried her through those first 4 years. We are working to not tame her, but redirect her liveliness. I love her fire and her will. I love her enthusiasm and her passion. She reminds me of my Abigail in many ways--and that brings a smile to my face and pain to my heart at the same time. But despite the fits and the screaming and the demanding, we adore her. We are all so totally in love with this little girl that pulled us across the ocean. Grace, we are so thankful you are home.
And, I will post pictures, but I'm making a separate post so that I can publish this one and hopefully not lose it.
I have thought a lot about how to update on Grace. Since I haven't posted much since we got home (I'd rather interact with them, than try to tell you all how they are doing-sorry!), but that leaves a lot of changes to catch you up on. I think my best approach will be to try to tell you what we saw when she first got home, and the many changes (improvements!) we have seen in our little gypsy, but also to be real, I want to tell you the issues we continue to work on now.
First of all, I know I just write Grace, but I call her Gracie (or Gracie-bear, lol). For a time we were calling her by the name she was used to-Ira and Grace, but over time, she started referring to herself as only Gracie, and so that is the name that has stuck. Actually, at the orphanage, she was most often called by her old last name, and that just doesn't work so, Gracie it is. She loves to say her full name with her Ukrainian name, then Gracie, then our last name. So much pride on her face!
Anyway, my little lively one was the leader in her groupa. The nannies warned us repeatedly that she would get her way everytime, lol. We were also warned that she was a gypsy (to which I replied cool!), but that along with that would come sneakiness and manipulation (so, you are saying she is a kid?! yeah, I got that). We saw some of the behaviors they jokingly warned us about visiting her in Ukraine. She would simply raise her hand to Malachi and he would instantly hand her whatever it is that she wanted. When we first arrived home, she would pitch the most impressive fits. Unfortanately (fortunately?) for her, being the 6th child I have brought into my home, a fit, no matter how impressive, doesn't bother me one little bit. I would simply remove her from the situation, let her lay on her bed and get it out while I stood in the doorway. After a time, she would tell me she was all done (with signs at first and words to come). It was loud for a time in our house, but it didn't take her long to figure out things didn't work here the way she was used to, lol. She is also not one of the oldest here, so that has been a little bit of an adjustment for her, but we are getting there. I would honestly say those fits and the demanding have been the biggest issue we have faced with her and the most ongoing of issues we are still dealing with today. In the beginning, I was dealing with 6-7 fits a day and now, it is more like one a week. Big improvement, and not outside of the realm of normal for a 4 year old.
Our other big adjustment issue with Grace was language. She is and has always been very verbal. In the process of learning a new language, little ones go through a period of losing their original language before they learn the new one enough to be fluent. For Grace, this period was difficult. She would actually talk in a baby babble to try to get herself understood. We tried to help her with her frustration with a mix of charades, itranslate, Russian, and English. Now, she is very fluent in English and her language skills are almost to age level. That time in between came at the same time that she was experiencing some heavy grief over losing her caregivers and the only life she had ever known. I don't think at any point she wasn't happy to be here. I expected her to be, I would completely understand if she was, but I don't think she was. She was always willing to find comfort from me, even would seek me out for comfort, but that loss is still a loss. I do know too much about dealing with grief in children, and her grief looked a lot like the grief my other children have been living with. I see less and less of it daily, although we do still talk about her friends, and look at pictures. They will always be part of her life, as will her Ukrainian culture.
There are a couple of physical issues Grace has had to deal with upon coming home. The first issue we had to deal with is that her hip was out of place. It had probably always been. Because it was so out of place, she couldn't pick that leg up off the ground, march, or walk up stairs properly. Our chiropractor has been amazing at helping get it in the right place, and we are working now on practicing using her leg the right way and strengthening those muscles. The second issue is that Grace didn't know how to chew properly. We noticed that she would either hold the food in her mouth till it dissovled, or would just roll the food around in her mouth with her tongue. She never chewed with her teeth. After seeing the dentist and ruling out dental problems, aside from a really bad thumb-sucking bite, and seeing the chiropractor to make sure her jaw was in alignment, we have been working with her on chewing. At first we manually moved the food to her teeth with our fingers and demonstrated how to chew with her teeth. Now, she does need reminding on occasion, but she can move the food over with her own tongue and knows how to chew with her back teeth.
Grace is tiny. She seems younger than her 4 years in a large part because of her size. She is shorter than Malachi and everything about her is tiny--hands, feet, everthing but her grin. That girl could charm anyone with her smile. The problem is that she knows it. Initially, we were dealing with a lot of indiscriminate friendliness, to use an adoption term. She would go to anyone, talk to anyone, hug anyone, and give that huge fake grin to charm anyone-to get what she wanted or to get out of trouble. We have worked with her these past 6 months on understanding who mommy and daddy are, who her siblings are, and who it is appropriate to hug or not. She is doing great. I was worried in the beginning that this problem would last a long time. I mostly kept her very close to me and turned her affection toward me at all opportunities when I saw her heading toward someone else. I also made sure all care for her needs came from Michael or I and that we didn't leave her. I have only left her now to attend my nephew's funeral, to take Anna Faith for surgery, and one night of Christmas shopping. She now clearly prefers me and will actually move away from strangers trying to touch her. I am blown away at how quickly this little girl has adapted. She is very affectionate and loves to touch my face gently and give me hugs and kisses. She will stretch her arms out wide and say "Gimme love Momma!" Oh, she has my heart.
With her siblings, our biggest concern was how the newbies would treat Eli. We had nothing to worry about. Grace mommas him like she raised him. She follows him around, gives him everything he wants, and tells him constantly how much she loves him. Abigail, my love, she is doing you proud in her care of your baby. She butts heads most thoroughly with Anna Faith, but they are finding common ground. She adores Malachi and Samuel, although she of course prefers to be in charge. With Nathan, she warmed up slowly. This was painful for Nathan, but now they are good buddies. If he is sitting on the ground, she will pounce on him and expect to be tickled and carried and swung around--all the things that big brothers are so good for.
When I think back to how new the world was for this little one, I am blown away at how well she is doing and has always done. She had not seen outside of her orphanage walls. She had not ridden in a car, eaten at a restaurant, slept in a big bed, been in a crowd. She has taken to life with all the spunkiness she was born with and that carried her through those first 4 years. We are working to not tame her, but redirect her liveliness. I love her fire and her will. I love her enthusiasm and her passion. She reminds me of my Abigail in many ways--and that brings a smile to my face and pain to my heart at the same time. But despite the fits and the screaming and the demanding, we adore her. We are all so totally in love with this little girl that pulled us across the ocean. Grace, we are so thankful you are home.
And, I will post pictures, but I'm making a separate post so that I can publish this one and hopefully not lose it.
Sunday, October 2, 2011
Our Christmas Project
Walking through an orphanage changes you. Seeing those kids reach out to you, call to you, beg you for any bit of attention-you just will not be the same. The utter lack in that institutional world that these children live their lives in is overwhelming and frankly hard to process. I am so thankful that Nathan and Anna Faith were able to witness this with their own eyes. I'm so thankful that their hearts continue to be broken for those left behind. My prayer is that their hearts are broken for the things that break Yours, Father.
As a family, we commit ourselves to working to help those children that remain. We intend to continue The Hope Project this spring to help families pursuing adoption. Our Christmas presents to each other will be donations to those still waiting. And this Christmas, we commit to help The Circle of Hope with their Christmas box collection, praying that this ministry can be expanding to include our orphanage next year. Please join with us!
This year we will be collecting shoebox and monetary donations for baby house 19 in Nikolaev, Ukraine. My friend brought her Sveta home from this orphanage, but they left behind 115 boys and girls from infant to 5 years old.
How you can help:
1) assemble shoe boxes or donate items to be used to fill shoeboxes
Please keep the contents between $5-$20
Label the outside "boy" or "girl" and rubber band close
Decorate if you wish
Include-socks-white (girl) or black (boy)
Underwear
Sunglasses or hats for warm or cold weather
Small toys-barbies, legos, puzzles, crayons, action figures, dolls with clothing, etc
Children's gloves
Hair bows or barrettes for girl boxes
New or gently used clothing for infant-size 5
**do not include nail polish or candy
Please contact me at bldahlen@aol.com to arrange for drop off or pick up of boxes. I will need these on or before October 22nd to get them to Huntsville. That isn't much time!!
And/or 2) monetary donation to help with shipping/gifts costs
All donations over $25 are tax deducible if made to Circle of Hope, PO Box 4921, Huntsville, AL 35815
All boxes will be hand delivered to orphans in baby house 19 by a group of volunteers living in the area. Pictures of those smiling faces should be up on www.operationchristmasinnikolaev.blogspot.com after Christmas.
If you are out of town, please contact me and I can give you the address to mail your box or please consider a monetary donation.
Thank you!
As a family, we commit ourselves to working to help those children that remain. We intend to continue The Hope Project this spring to help families pursuing adoption. Our Christmas presents to each other will be donations to those still waiting. And this Christmas, we commit to help The Circle of Hope with their Christmas box collection, praying that this ministry can be expanding to include our orphanage next year. Please join with us!
This year we will be collecting shoebox and monetary donations for baby house 19 in Nikolaev, Ukraine. My friend brought her Sveta home from this orphanage, but they left behind 115 boys and girls from infant to 5 years old.
How you can help:
1) assemble shoe boxes or donate items to be used to fill shoeboxes
Please keep the contents between $5-$20
Label the outside "boy" or "girl" and rubber band close
Decorate if you wish
Include-socks-white (girl) or black (boy)
Underwear
Sunglasses or hats for warm or cold weather
Small toys-barbies, legos, puzzles, crayons, action figures, dolls with clothing, etc
Children's gloves
Hair bows or barrettes for girl boxes
New or gently used clothing for infant-size 5
**do not include nail polish or candy
Please contact me at bldahlen@aol.com to arrange for drop off or pick up of boxes. I will need these on or before October 22nd to get them to Huntsville. That isn't much time!!
And/or 2) monetary donation to help with shipping/gifts costs
All donations over $25 are tax deducible if made to Circle of Hope, PO Box 4921, Huntsville, AL 35815
All boxes will be hand delivered to orphans in baby house 19 by a group of volunteers living in the area. Pictures of those smiling faces should be up on www.operationchristmasinnikolaev.blogspot.com after Christmas.
If you are out of town, please contact me and I can give you the address to mail your box or please consider a monetary donation.
Thank you!
Tuesday, August 30, 2011
Samuel
Samuel is probably the hardest of the kids to write about and this is mostly because he has had the hardest time. It has been devastating watching my deep, thoughtful little boy wrestle with grief. He still has days where he is so consumed with it, or with anger, that he just can't pull it together. We are so thankful for the Amelia center and all the help that they have offered him, but this will be something he struggles with his entire life. He just misses her. His only wish is for her to come back and he can't process that this won't happen.
In the beginning , he was so desperate to be with her that we we were worried he would find ways to send himself to heaven. We are less worried about that these days, but he still has that longing. We all do.
Samuel is my ponderer. He is still and thoughtful. He is quiet, but when he speaks, it is usually profound. He always surprises me with the things he comes up with and the things he is thinking about. Ask anyone that has spent one on one time with him, and you will hear what a character he is. But you have to listen for it. You have to wait for it. It is easy to miss.
He is also a cuddler. That boy can not get enough of snuggles and love. He will quite happily climb in anyone's lap for a snuggle and he hugs everyone. I love his heart. He is very sensitive to other's emotions. I think because he moves slower and is super observant, he just catches more.
I thought his age would protect him with losing Abigail, but I was mistaken. No, he is far too bright for his own good. His intelligence has made him very aware of all that happened that day, and his deep nature has left him pondering it again and again.
He is doing very well with his new siblings. He was the only of the 4 children at home that did not get to travel with us in the adoption, and that was hard on him. When we first arrived home, he had a hard time wanting our time and attention, which was in short supply trying to get new kids adjusted. But after those first couple of weeks, he was getting caught up with lots and lots and lots of touch and the newbies were adapting. He is learning to play with them and is super proud and protective of them. He loves sharing a room with Malachi.
But his favorite always has been Anna Faith. He would move mountains for her. Their relationship is so incredibly special. I love that they have each other. He always stands up for her.
Samuel is a special, unique kid. Please continue to pray for him and his daily struggles with grief.
Monday, August 8, 2011
Anna Faith
My oldest daughter is a little momma. She knows how things work and is capable of running this house without me I think, lol. She is my helper in all things-because she wants to be. She likes to be in charge. Before I am fully awake, she will have 3 little people dressed and fed. She blows me away.
We haven't always had the best relationship. In fact, I would say, before losing Abigail, we would butt heads more often than had a conversation. She is incredibly strong willed and so am I. It can cause tension. But grief has a strange way of smoothing out those bumps. Anna Faith has gone through heavy grief and trauma at losing her sister. She has been torn down in ways no little girl should have to be. She still struggles with anxiety and fear of losing another sibling. And oh, how she misses her sister.
One of my best memories of those 2 girls is the morning I woke up and found them decked out head to toe in princess gear-sashes, crowns, jewelry galore-each holding a microphone, having a concert and dance party to taylor swift songs. I cling to that memory. Anna Faith and Abigail had struggled to find common ground at first, but that morning, my heart was so warm that they were finally clicking. They were finally the sisters I had prayed they would be. To watch Anna Faith lose that is equally heavy with my own loss.
She is a fighter though, my stoic one. She feels deeply, but doesn't let most see that side of her. I have held her weeping so many times over the last year. I know those depths of loss. But she goes on. She embraces her new siblings with a passion I wouldn't have expected from her before wrestling with grief. She nurtures and loves, and expects nothing in return from those 2 and her youngest brother.
We were also blessed to bring her with us on the second half of our adoption trip. She still has moments of crying for those left behind. I know the experience will shape her the rest of her life. I pray that she never forgets. That she remembers the desperation and the need. That she acts.
On of my biggest worries the first few months after losing Abigail was that Anna Faith and Samuel's relationship seemed to have
disappeared. Before, they were inseparable. They didn't know how to be apart. But the pain is very isolating. Now, however, they are back to being best friends. They adore each other and have the best time. They are a pair. As they get older, that relationship will change, but so far it is growing right along with them.
Samuel soon...and then the ones you are waiting on, our newbies...
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