Since we have committed to adopt, we have been hit with all kinds of struggles. The list includes, but is not limited to, our heat going out, our hot water going out, a flat tire, one car broken down for a month with multiple, unrelated problems every time we thought it was going again, one totalled car, the heat going out in my rented house, and a granite picture falling off the wall and doing major damage. This is a very common story when families move toward following through with the commandment to take care of the orphan. We weren't surprised. However, given what we have gone through this year, our perspective is just to laugh. Those mundane, annoying blips in life have so much less significance now. I have a seriously hard time getting upset over broken down cars and no hot water after living through the death of my baby girl. I have even more of a hard time worrying about a clean house or minor issues with the kids. We have seriously just laughed each time another thing happens right on the heels of fixing the last problem. Each time God has stepped in and shown mercy. Each time, the issue is solved. Yes, I might have had to heat hot water on the stove and wash my hair over the sink, but in light of what I have lived through, it was just a little adventure. I hesitate to say even an inconvienence.
The perspective I have after losing a child is so completely different than I would have had before. I know I don't have control, so why get upset over the small things? This perspective has made the adoptive process so much easier. I can see how the paperchase and snags would be stressful. The before me would have been massively stressed over slow social workers and re-doing documents. The after me could care less. The ultimate goal is a child's life. I am quite willing to fight through the minor bumps along the way.
Friday, December 31, 2010
Thursday, December 30, 2010
A new year
2010. A new year. I have such complicated feelings about moving to a new year. Obviously 2010 was the worst year I can imagine. I buried my baby girl. Our family went through and continues to go through intense trauma. How much worse can it get? But, it was also the year I met my sweet, sensitive Eli, the year I started a journey to adoption, and also the last year I held my baby girl. 2011 is a "new year." A year that she will never see. It is a year where I don't get to hold her, touch her, smell her. It is a year that will be completely empty of her physically. Yes, I have memories, but I want her. A move to a new year represents separation and distance for me. It felt this way moving out of April last year, and it is intensified moving into a new year now. It seems wrong that time continues, that life continues when your child is no longer here. A "new year" after the loss of a child isn't a fresh start--I want no such thing. I want a reset button. I want to start 2010 again and change it somehow.
My sweet Eli did not want to sleep last night and thought that I shouldn't get to either. In the many minutes of last night that I sat holding him and battling my nighttime demons, that familiar feeling of dread took over my body again. You know the feeling right? When you just know something bad is going to happen or has just happened. The feeling of your blood running cold and a physical numbness. I live with that feeling on a constant basis now. I try to remind myself that the thing I dread has already happened. It is done and can't be changed, but my body rebels so thoroughly at that thought and continuously waits in this state of dread and horror. Last night was one of the worst in a long time. We got through Christmas, but as I said before, that doesn't feel like accomplishment. We had a very emotional morning yesterday trying to wrap up some of the business side of death. And now I am facing a new year. All of that compiled into a night of anxiety while my Eli woke me up again and again with screams. I wonder if he can sense my mood? I wonder if my emotion was affecting him?
Night is so hard anyway. When I am drifting off to sleep, my mind wonders with little control. In daytime, I can keep my thoughts focused most of the time, but in those just falling asleep moments, and those just waking up moments, I have no control. I can't tell you how much those moments terrify me. The places my mind goes. The moments and feelings I relive are like being stuck in a nightmare so often. Typically now I fall asleep with the tv on and that keeps my thoughts on ancient India or traveling to Mongolia, or whatever late night PBS is showing. Last night though, as I was up again and again with baby boy, I didn't have the distraction of tv and my gut reactions took over. Sleep deprived, alone and in the dark, and dealing with massively stressful events, I suffered through last night like I haven't in a long time.
I know I am not alone walking through this valley, but it is the darkest depths of pain and despair I can imagine. Abigail, even though I feel like this new year is just one more step away from you, I also know that it is one more step toward you again. I know that even with all the dread and horror I feel now, I wouldn't change one single minute of the time I did have with you. I am greedy for more. I am hungry for reunion. I am praying for dreams of you when I sleep even though they leave me shattered when I wake up and you are gone.
I guess what I am trying to say to anyone reading this, through my foggy brain with no sleep is this--in your celebration, remember those hurting around you. People are dealing with loss and grieving. Death is real and all around you. Children are suffering alone around the world--hungry and afraid. In this new year, do something about it. Make a difference in the lives of those hurting around you. Don't make this year about stuff. Make it about people. That knowledge, of those around me hurting as deeply and even more than I am drives me right now. I want to pull in grieving parents and abandoned children. Whatever it is that drives you, do something. Make a difference. Help someone through the long nights like I just had. It is far too easy to put blinders on and isolate ourselves from reality. The night I just had is every night for some of these children around the world.
My sweet Eli did not want to sleep last night and thought that I shouldn't get to either. In the many minutes of last night that I sat holding him and battling my nighttime demons, that familiar feeling of dread took over my body again. You know the feeling right? When you just know something bad is going to happen or has just happened. The feeling of your blood running cold and a physical numbness. I live with that feeling on a constant basis now. I try to remind myself that the thing I dread has already happened. It is done and can't be changed, but my body rebels so thoroughly at that thought and continuously waits in this state of dread and horror. Last night was one of the worst in a long time. We got through Christmas, but as I said before, that doesn't feel like accomplishment. We had a very emotional morning yesterday trying to wrap up some of the business side of death. And now I am facing a new year. All of that compiled into a night of anxiety while my Eli woke me up again and again with screams. I wonder if he can sense my mood? I wonder if my emotion was affecting him?
Night is so hard anyway. When I am drifting off to sleep, my mind wonders with little control. In daytime, I can keep my thoughts focused most of the time, but in those just falling asleep moments, and those just waking up moments, I have no control. I can't tell you how much those moments terrify me. The places my mind goes. The moments and feelings I relive are like being stuck in a nightmare so often. Typically now I fall asleep with the tv on and that keeps my thoughts on ancient India or traveling to Mongolia, or whatever late night PBS is showing. Last night though, as I was up again and again with baby boy, I didn't have the distraction of tv and my gut reactions took over. Sleep deprived, alone and in the dark, and dealing with massively stressful events, I suffered through last night like I haven't in a long time.
I know I am not alone walking through this valley, but it is the darkest depths of pain and despair I can imagine. Abigail, even though I feel like this new year is just one more step away from you, I also know that it is one more step toward you again. I know that even with all the dread and horror I feel now, I wouldn't change one single minute of the time I did have with you. I am greedy for more. I am hungry for reunion. I am praying for dreams of you when I sleep even though they leave me shattered when I wake up and you are gone.
I guess what I am trying to say to anyone reading this, through my foggy brain with no sleep is this--in your celebration, remember those hurting around you. People are dealing with loss and grieving. Death is real and all around you. Children are suffering alone around the world--hungry and afraid. In this new year, do something about it. Make a difference in the lives of those hurting around you. Don't make this year about stuff. Make it about people. That knowledge, of those around me hurting as deeply and even more than I am drives me right now. I want to pull in grieving parents and abandoned children. Whatever it is that drives you, do something. Make a difference. Help someone through the long nights like I just had. It is far too easy to put blinders on and isolate ourselves from reality. The night I just had is every night for some of these children around the world.
Sunday, December 26, 2010
Dear Abigail on Christmas
Dear Little Bit,
Christmas without you was awful. I thought of you every step of the way. Buying presents for 4 and not 5, wrapping for 4 not 5, putting out gifts for 4 not 5. It all felt so wrong. It is wrong that you aren't here. It isn't fair and we feel that hole so vividly. Each step and each moment, we thought of how things would be different if you were here. What would you have wanted? What would you have said about the lights and Santa this year? You loved him last year. You loved every moment of the holiday. This year would have been such fun.
We kept you in our family's Christmas though. We hung your stocking. We each wrote down letters and memories of you. Your stocking is stuffed to overflowing with the thoughts we have of you and the things we want to say to you. Anna Faith was insistant that Santa would leave you some candy canes and he did. Samuel couldn't stop writing memories and drawing pictures. Nathan wrote you a letter. We all miss you so much.
We went on Christmas day to visit your grave. I like to be there. I feel closer to you. Your big present, your marker, is not a present I ever wanted to buy for you. I hope it does you justice. It will be here soon. We also had other gifts for you--a dolphin you would have loved and a bible verse stone. These things are just momentos for us to feel connected to you from so far away. It wasn't right to have Christmas and not have presents with your name on them under the tree, so we put some there and each of your siblings got to open one and leave it at your grave.
It snowed on Christmas. I know how you would have reacted. You got to see snow before you left us. You did not like the wet or the cold. You did not like the white flakes falling from the sky--too much like the dreaded rain. But you still went out and braved it all. You marched through that snow with purpose...until you fell on your behind and pitched a complete fit. I don't blame you-I don't like snow either. Would you have thought differently of the snow now? My only thoughts on it this year was that it kept me from spending as much time with you as I wanted at your grave.
I think of you as barely 2 still in my head. I can't imagine what you would be like now at 2 1/2. I have a good idea what you should look like since you look just like your big sister, but you are such your own person in personality. I ache to know how you would talk and the things you would know and what your preferences would be now.
We made it through Christmas without you but I missed you every second and everyone else did also. We didn't do much celebrating to be honest. We are celebrating your life and God's love in other ways this year.
I love you princess and always will.
Christmas without you was awful. I thought of you every step of the way. Buying presents for 4 and not 5, wrapping for 4 not 5, putting out gifts for 4 not 5. It all felt so wrong. It is wrong that you aren't here. It isn't fair and we feel that hole so vividly. Each step and each moment, we thought of how things would be different if you were here. What would you have wanted? What would you have said about the lights and Santa this year? You loved him last year. You loved every moment of the holiday. This year would have been such fun.
We kept you in our family's Christmas though. We hung your stocking. We each wrote down letters and memories of you. Your stocking is stuffed to overflowing with the thoughts we have of you and the things we want to say to you. Anna Faith was insistant that Santa would leave you some candy canes and he did. Samuel couldn't stop writing memories and drawing pictures. Nathan wrote you a letter. We all miss you so much.
We went on Christmas day to visit your grave. I like to be there. I feel closer to you. Your big present, your marker, is not a present I ever wanted to buy for you. I hope it does you justice. It will be here soon. We also had other gifts for you--a dolphin you would have loved and a bible verse stone. These things are just momentos for us to feel connected to you from so far away. It wasn't right to have Christmas and not have presents with your name on them under the tree, so we put some there and each of your siblings got to open one and leave it at your grave.
It snowed on Christmas. I know how you would have reacted. You got to see snow before you left us. You did not like the wet or the cold. You did not like the white flakes falling from the sky--too much like the dreaded rain. But you still went out and braved it all. You marched through that snow with purpose...until you fell on your behind and pitched a complete fit. I don't blame you-I don't like snow either. Would you have thought differently of the snow now? My only thoughts on it this year was that it kept me from spending as much time with you as I wanted at your grave.
I think of you as barely 2 still in my head. I can't imagine what you would be like now at 2 1/2. I have a good idea what you should look like since you look just like your big sister, but you are such your own person in personality. I ache to know how you would talk and the things you would know and what your preferences would be now.
We made it through Christmas without you but I missed you every second and everyone else did also. We didn't do much celebrating to be honest. We are celebrating your life and God's love in other ways this year.
I love you princess and always will.
Christmas, movies, and orphans oh my
First of all, I really only have random things to say, but I feel the need to get some thought down, so here I sit. I don't promise coherency.
We were so honored to be in the newspaper on Christmas. Wow. What a great opportunity to get the message out on how desperate these children are around the world. Why wait? Go get them. They need and deserve families. I am praying this article will impact Birmingham in a big way. If you haven't read it, you can find it on www.al.com
Christmas was...impossible. Thank you for all the prayers and words of support. I don't know how to even explain it. The lead-up was full of anxiety and horror. The actual days were excruciating. But here I sit on the other side. Do I feel satisfaction that I made it? No. I feel defeated that I had Christmas without my baby girl. Some people tell me that this will get easier as time goes on. I don't want it to. Does that make sense? I do not want it to get easier. If it gets easier, that means, I am getting used to living this life without my child. That is so completely wrong. I will never be used to it. I hope and pray it doesn't get "easier." I can see being able to fake it, but I refuse to do that also, so don't expect Christmas to be "easier" for me next year. Expect that I will again suffer through now 2 Christmases without my baby. The only thing worse that 1 without her is 2. I don't want that to sound bitter, although I am sure it does. I just want to be honest.
On Christmas day we went to a movie--just Michael and I. We had a gift card. Our kids went to a grandparent's house to celebrate the holiday and we went to the movies to forget for a bit. The movie was ok. Haven't seen anything good in a long time. It takes a lot to impress me these days. Look in the face of death and eternity and see how impressed you are with the new cheesy romantic comedy I used to love. It wasn't the movie that I walked away thinking about, however. It was the preview before the movie that struck me.
The preview was for a new Disney movie about orphaned baby animals from around the world. It might have been out for a long time, but I never go to the movies, so it was new to me. It was absolutely freaking adorable. You know the kind of images that make you giggle and sigh and feel gooey inside because baby elephants drinking from bottles and baby chimps playing are just so stinking cute. I want one or 2 of them. Animaniacs anyone? I want to hug them and squeeze them and call them mine.
What struck me when I finished oohing and ahhing though was that these orphaned animals, as adorable as they are, were getting so much attention--a major motion picture by Disney!! Awesome--great cause! Yet, what are the human orphans around the world getting? Why are we not standing on the rooftops screaming their story? Why are we not swimming across the ocean to rescue them? Why are stories about 13 pound 3 year olds and 15 pound 8 year olds hidden and not told? Why oh why are we not outraged at the injustices these kids face living day in and day out without a family? Why don't we act? If they were your child, how would you want them treated? Set aside because of their age or their needs? Cast off? Where is the major motion picture? Where is the call to help? A newspaper article is a good start. Like I said, I was honored to be their voice for a moment. But they need so many more voices. They need people stepping up and living life and going for them. They need you to cast aside your worries and your fears. Yes, you might have to give up cable or your big screen to afford it. Yes, you might give up some movie nights and not get to see the Disney orphaned animals movie (don't worry--it will be $1 in redbox soon). You might even have to scale back Christmas next year. However, you will get to offer life to a child. You will make all the difference in that child's life. And your life will have meaning because of theirs. You will find blessing. Donate sure. Sponor others definitely. But go get them.
We were so honored to be in the newspaper on Christmas. Wow. What a great opportunity to get the message out on how desperate these children are around the world. Why wait? Go get them. They need and deserve families. I am praying this article will impact Birmingham in a big way. If you haven't read it, you can find it on www.al.com
Christmas was...impossible. Thank you for all the prayers and words of support. I don't know how to even explain it. The lead-up was full of anxiety and horror. The actual days were excruciating. But here I sit on the other side. Do I feel satisfaction that I made it? No. I feel defeated that I had Christmas without my baby girl. Some people tell me that this will get easier as time goes on. I don't want it to. Does that make sense? I do not want it to get easier. If it gets easier, that means, I am getting used to living this life without my child. That is so completely wrong. I will never be used to it. I hope and pray it doesn't get "easier." I can see being able to fake it, but I refuse to do that also, so don't expect Christmas to be "easier" for me next year. Expect that I will again suffer through now 2 Christmases without my baby. The only thing worse that 1 without her is 2. I don't want that to sound bitter, although I am sure it does. I just want to be honest.
On Christmas day we went to a movie--just Michael and I. We had a gift card. Our kids went to a grandparent's house to celebrate the holiday and we went to the movies to forget for a bit. The movie was ok. Haven't seen anything good in a long time. It takes a lot to impress me these days. Look in the face of death and eternity and see how impressed you are with the new cheesy romantic comedy I used to love. It wasn't the movie that I walked away thinking about, however. It was the preview before the movie that struck me.
The preview was for a new Disney movie about orphaned baby animals from around the world. It might have been out for a long time, but I never go to the movies, so it was new to me. It was absolutely freaking adorable. You know the kind of images that make you giggle and sigh and feel gooey inside because baby elephants drinking from bottles and baby chimps playing are just so stinking cute. I want one or 2 of them. Animaniacs anyone? I want to hug them and squeeze them and call them mine.
What struck me when I finished oohing and ahhing though was that these orphaned animals, as adorable as they are, were getting so much attention--a major motion picture by Disney!! Awesome--great cause! Yet, what are the human orphans around the world getting? Why are we not standing on the rooftops screaming their story? Why are we not swimming across the ocean to rescue them? Why are stories about 13 pound 3 year olds and 15 pound 8 year olds hidden and not told? Why oh why are we not outraged at the injustices these kids face living day in and day out without a family? Why don't we act? If they were your child, how would you want them treated? Set aside because of their age or their needs? Cast off? Where is the major motion picture? Where is the call to help? A newspaper article is a good start. Like I said, I was honored to be their voice for a moment. But they need so many more voices. They need people stepping up and living life and going for them. They need you to cast aside your worries and your fears. Yes, you might have to give up cable or your big screen to afford it. Yes, you might give up some movie nights and not get to see the Disney orphaned animals movie (don't worry--it will be $1 in redbox soon). You might even have to scale back Christmas next year. However, you will get to offer life to a child. You will make all the difference in that child's life. And your life will have meaning because of theirs. You will find blessing. Donate sure. Sponor others definitely. But go get them.
Wednesday, December 22, 2010
The Winner!
I want to say congrats to all of you!! I know that I only have one to give, but each of you has helped contribute to save a life. What better prize is there? I wish I had more than one to give to all of you. You all have been so incredibly generous donating to our adotopion fund!! Almost 100 people have donated over the past week and a half to our adoption fund. I can't tell you how much that means to us.
I think we will keep these numbers and draw for a second prize in the next week or so--as an extra thank you.
To make sure we were completely fair here, Michael used the random number generator at random.org from work. I had the list of numbers and names at home. He sent me the number the website drew and I matched to to the person assigned that number.
And the winner is...
Number 980309...
LINDA MORUSAN!!
Congrats Linda! Since you are not local, I will get this in the mail to you today! Merry Christmas!
I think we will keep these numbers and draw for a second prize in the next week or so--as an extra thank you.
To make sure we were completely fair here, Michael used the random number generator at random.org from work. I had the list of numbers and names at home. He sent me the number the website drew and I matched to to the person assigned that number.
And the winner is...
Number 980309...
LINDA MORUSAN!!
Congrats Linda! Since you are not local, I will get this in the mail to you today! Merry Christmas!
Monday, December 20, 2010
Suffering
On my wall..."Hope...rejoice in our suffering, suffering produces perseverance, perseverance-character and character hope... Romans 5:3". I definitely have the suffering thing down...not so much the rejoicing...
Sunday, December 19, 2010
Heaviness and Hope
My heart is heavy tonight for those suffering through Christmas without their child. It is heavy for those children around the world going through Christmas without the love of a parent. It is heavy for those caught up in the materialism and mundane struggles of life. It is heavy for those who rush through each minute or waste them in escapism. It is heavy for those who feel like life has no purpose, and for those who know purpose and meaning, but feel helpless to do anything about it.
We have so much wrong in the way we live life most of the time. We obsess and worry about finding the perfect Christmas gift and how much is enough or too much, but there are children with nothing, not even the clothes on their backs. There are parents who want nothing but to hold their child one more time. All the rest seems ridiculous to me now. I am normally the first to get caught up in the rush and the busyness and the buying at Christmas. This Christmas, I just feel overwhelmed and heavy with the loneliness, the pain, the death, the hunger, the ache of those around me here and across the world. I've heard horror stories in the past few days of the life children are having to live in various places in the world. I've heard horror stories from parents who have been separated from their children by accidents that seem so frustrating and unecessary. They are real people living real lives that feel like nightmares.
No amount of escapism is going to fix these problems. I can't sit and do nothing. I can't sit knowing there are orphans desperate for families. I can't sit knowing there are grieving parents that need someone to hear them. I know that horror and pain. The hope comes in knowing this is not my home. Why do we feel so out of place here? Why do so many bounce around from one thing to another, seeking to entertain themselves and find happiness, but never really feeling satisfied? How do I keep moving even when I want to dig my hole next to my Abigail? Hope. I have hope. I have God-induced, God-given, God-originated hope. I will not sit and do nothing. I will go around the world to save a life. I will reach out to those hurting. Not because I have the answers or can solve all the problems, but because He has given me hope.
We have so much wrong in the way we live life most of the time. We obsess and worry about finding the perfect Christmas gift and how much is enough or too much, but there are children with nothing, not even the clothes on their backs. There are parents who want nothing but to hold their child one more time. All the rest seems ridiculous to me now. I am normally the first to get caught up in the rush and the busyness and the buying at Christmas. This Christmas, I just feel overwhelmed and heavy with the loneliness, the pain, the death, the hunger, the ache of those around me here and across the world. I've heard horror stories in the past few days of the life children are having to live in various places in the world. I've heard horror stories from parents who have been separated from their children by accidents that seem so frustrating and unecessary. They are real people living real lives that feel like nightmares.
No amount of escapism is going to fix these problems. I can't sit and do nothing. I can't sit knowing there are orphans desperate for families. I can't sit knowing there are grieving parents that need someone to hear them. I know that horror and pain. The hope comes in knowing this is not my home. Why do we feel so out of place here? Why do so many bounce around from one thing to another, seeking to entertain themselves and find happiness, but never really feeling satisfied? How do I keep moving even when I want to dig my hole next to my Abigail? Hope. I have hope. I have God-induced, God-given, God-originated hope. I will not sit and do nothing. I will go around the world to save a life. I will reach out to those hurting. Not because I have the answers or can solve all the problems, but because He has given me hope.
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