So here we are

I still really can't believe we are in this place--both in the year and in this adoption. I can't wrap my head around it. On one hand, I am in total amazement at God's work getting our immigration approval so fast. We are so close to traveling and meeting our newbies. I can not wait. We were so blessed to hear news of them this week from the blogger that started it all. Corbett--the updates you have given me are priceless. She is at our orphanage adopting her sweet little man right now and who should she see walk by but our 2! She said Grace had little pig tails with red puff balls attached to them and is "just as beautiful in person as in her little photo" and she has a "soulful quality about her." Malachi was hilarious she said, "cruising along, not paying attention" and he has the "chubbiest little cheeks." And if that wasn't enough excitement, she saw them the next day too! She said "they both look super healthy" and Grace talked to her!! She said "she has a sweet voice and said paca mamma (bye mamma)" and she seems "really sharp and sweet." Malachi was "swinging his arms and marching through." I can. not. wait!! We are praying for favor in their country and speed with submission. We are so close to our decade plus long dream of adoption!

And then I can't believe we are at this place in the year already. I can tell you exactly what we were doing each day last year now. I have pictures for each of those as well. I'm so thankful for the blessing of having Eli 5 weeks before we lost Abigail so that I have such vivid, intentional memories of what would be those last days. I should be getting ready for Abigail's 3rd birthday party. It would have probably been this coming weekend like it was last year. I should be buying her spring clothes and giggling at her newest antics. Instead, I am trying to find the perfect flowers for her grave and plan some kind of celebration/fall apart for April 9th. How am I going to get through that day without holding her? And then to re-live those memories just 2 days later. God carry me through. I can't do it. I miss my baby girl and that longing for her is a constant ache in the depths of me.

The highest of highs and the lowest of lows. What a roller coaster this year has been. And then on Wednesday I get to go and share her story in DC. I get to beg and plead for legislation that would save lives, that might have saved her life. What an honor and oh how painful this is going to be. I dread preparing what I am going to say later today.

I am so moved by how many people my little bit has touched. I am so moved that she is still remembered and loved. I am so moved by how many lives are being saved, in part due to her story, through the beautiful tribute of adoption. But despite all of that, I just want her. I want her giggle and her dimples. I want her yelling and screaming. I want her demands and her purpose and her passion. I want to feel the weight of her in my arms and smell her dirty little neck. I want to battle with her over naps and eating and everything. I want to see her following her siblings and bossing everyone in sight. I want to see her play and scoot and fall down. I so desperately miss jump jump jump and her version of twinkle twinkle sung at the top of her lungs. I miss her not letting me hold the buggy while I try to push her through a store. I miss every bit of you little bit, even the hard parts--I loved those the most. Even in all our busyness and our excitement over the newbies, you are always at the front of my mind and I am suffering without you to the depths of my soul. Our reunion will be oh so sweet baby girl and I can't wait!