Sunday, March 20, 2011

So here we are

I still really can't believe we are in this place--both in the year and in this adoption. I can't wrap my head around it. On one hand, I am in total amazement at God's work getting our immigration approval so fast. We are so close to traveling and meeting our newbies. I can not wait. We were so blessed to hear news of them this week from the blogger that started it all. Corbett--the updates you have given me are priceless. She is at our orphanage adopting her sweet little man right now and who should she see walk by but our 2! She said Grace had little pig tails with red puff balls attached to them and is "just as beautiful in person as in her little photo" and she has a "soulful quality about her." Malachi was hilarious she said, "cruising along, not paying attention" and he has the "chubbiest little cheeks." And if that wasn't enough excitement, she saw them the next day too! She said "they both look super healthy" and Grace talked to her!! She said "she has a sweet voice and said paca mamma (bye mamma)" and she seems "really sharp and sweet." Malachi was "swinging his arms and marching through." I can. not. wait!! We are praying for favor in their country and speed with submission. We are so close to our decade plus long dream of adoption!

And then I can't believe we are at this place in the year already. I can tell you exactly what we were doing each day last year now. I have pictures for each of those as well. I'm so thankful for the blessing of having Eli 5 weeks before we lost Abigail so that I have such vivid, intentional memories of what would be those last days. I should be getting ready for Abigail's 3rd birthday party. It would have probably been this coming weekend like it was last year. I should be buying her spring clothes and giggling at her newest antics. Instead, I am trying to find the perfect flowers for her grave and plan some kind of celebration/fall apart for April 9th. How am I going to get through that day without holding her? And then to re-live those memories just 2 days later. God carry me through. I can't do it. I miss my baby girl and that longing for her is a constant ache in the depths of me.

The highest of highs and the lowest of lows. What a roller coaster this year has been. And then on Wednesday I get to go and share her story in DC. I get to beg and plead for legislation that would save lives, that might have saved her life. What an honor and oh how painful this is going to be. I dread preparing what I am going to say later today.

I am so moved by how many people my little bit has touched. I am so moved that she is still remembered and loved. I am so moved by how many lives are being saved, in part due to her story, through the beautiful tribute of adoption. But despite all of that, I just want her. I want her giggle and her dimples. I want her yelling and screaming. I want her demands and her purpose and her passion. I want to feel the weight of her in my arms and smell her dirty little neck. I want to battle with her over naps and eating and everything. I want to see her following her siblings and bossing everyone in sight. I want to see her play and scoot and fall down. I so desperately miss jump jump jump and her version of twinkle twinkle sung at the top of her lungs. I miss her not letting me hold the buggy while I try to push her through a store. I miss every bit of you little bit, even the hard parts--I loved those the most. Even in all our busyness and our excitement over the newbies, you are always at the front of my mind and I am suffering without you to the depths of my soul. Our reunion will be oh so sweet baby girl and I can't wait!


  1. Crying for you. I have memories of this time last year too. The day we came to see Eli and she and Ben got to run around together, the last time she was here and they ran circles around the house giggling and squealing, her birthday party.....then the call from your mom that terrible day.

    It just doesn't make sense that she's gone. I don't understand. It's not right that your family has had to live this past year without her.

  2. I am broken hearted for you all. Praying for God's mercy during this time. I am here for you! Love you!!

  3. Oh Brandy. I long for you to hold her too. I will pray that God brings real, tangible moments in your dreams where the feelings are hard to distinguish dream from reality. Where you wake up and know that you heard her sweet voice singing twinkle twinkle. I am going to ask God to give you precious dreams of sweet Abigail. Love you. And I am praying for you too on the 23rd!

  4. heartbroken and crying. i would do almost anything for that ache to be gone and for her to be here. many prayers as always. i love you.

  5. I am crying too. I AM so happy for your exciting "Dahlen toddler sighting"! Precious little people! I can't wait for you to hold them in your arms - you are such a sweet mama and have so much love to give. Also you are way patient and sensitive and I know they will attach to you well. I wish I were as gentle and patient with my kids as you are with yours! Also I know the joy of their arrival does not in any way mitigate the excruciating pain of living through another March and April, with all the sweet and terrible memories they bring. I love you sweet friend and am praying for supernatural sustaining of you guys this spring - that God's grace would just carry you through somehow. Truly you are in the fire but God is very near to you. I don't understand any of this, and am sure it won't ever make sense this side of eternity - but you are not alone and you are being used mightily. God give you much grace this week.

  6. you write so movingly, I cannot stop crying.

  7. Lord, please be with Brandy now and in the weeks/months to come. Please surround her heart with peace and help her cope with the unbearable days ahead. In her darkest moments of unimaginable grief - choking, panicked grief - help her to take the next breath, and then the next, and the next until the breathing comes without forcing.
    Lord, be with her friends and family as well, as we struggle with wanting to take her pain away but knowing that it is not possible, nor does she want it taken away. Help us be a support to her. Provide us with the words to comfort our friend.
    Lord, thank you for bringing Brandy into my life 3 years ago. Thank you for allowing me to know Abigail before you called her home.

  8. Grace and Malachi are SO sweet! I love seeing them and I LOVE that you are coming for them. Praying for you in the days ahead -- rough days and days of celebration all at once. Such extremes.

    I'll keep watching for your little ones and tell them their mama is coming! :)

    Love to you!
    Corbett :)