Wednesday, April 25, 2012

Dear Abigail-2 years later

It's amazing how even 2 years later how much of a struggle this still is-life without you little bit. I've gotten better at pretending I'm functioning. When I meet new people, I don't immediately tell them about you like I used to. But that wears on me too. I always include you in my number of kids count and my run down of ages. When I get to 2 two year olds, I always get questions about twins. I just say no, I don't have any twins. Fake smiles and fake laughs are sometimes necessary to be socially acceptable. And functioning in society is necessary even when I still just want to bury my head. I still turn my head when someone calls your name. I am hopeful without even recognizing why. Celebrating your 4th birthday without you was excruciating. Easter, your bday, and the 11th all on top of each other was a trifecta of doom. We made it through clinging to each other. The void you left is just so huge my little one. You changed me and I'm forever thankful for that. I am a more patient person. I see the world differently. Sometimes that means I just don't care about things everyone else does. I don't know if that is a good thing or not, but it just is. Your spunk prepared me to deal with Grace's. I wish you were here learning about Grace and Malachi. I wish I could see you play with the E-i you love so much. I'm sure you would be chasing him now to give him the kisses you couldn't resist giving. And I desperately wish you were here to welcome your baby sister in September. You would be old enough to anticipate this time. Old enough to be excited. I promise to tell her all about you. You are still part of our everyday life and conversation. My heart just hurts without you my love. The grief is a constant ache, but sometimes it becomes a tsunami and I drown in its approach. There are no words for the panic and desperation that it leaves in its wake. I just miss you. And I need you. And I love you my little passionate little bit.

Father-carry me. There is none of me left. I am broken. Use me for your will. Bind my fears. Give me boldness. I need Your strength.


  1. I said a prayer for you this morning. God is good all the time, even when we don't understand his ways.

  2. thinking of you and Abigail always. ((hugs))

  3. Oh...I have erased my post three times. There are no words that would suffice for how I feel for you or that are even worthy of being offered. I love you. I pray God enables you to get up each day and continue blessing those around you.

  4. I wish I could hug you and I don't even know you. May 14th will be the 2 year date that my 21 year old son passed away. Everything you wrote - I could have written. I am so very sorry that we walk this path. Lots of hugs.

  5. Dear Brandy,

    I came across you blog from the Kids and Cars website. I am so deeply sorry for the loss of your precious daughter. I know that God can use you to give me direction. I have a soon to be 16 year old stepdaughter who will get her license and car in May 2013. My husband and I have a two year old daughter together. I feel like God can use you to tell me what I should do in regards to safety with my soon to be new driving teenager and toddler in my household. I cry as I write this post because my

  6. Heart aches for you. I admire you and know that you are a great mom and wonderful daughter of God. My email address is if you have and insight that you feel called to share.
    Praying from Mississippi,