You would be 5 years old now. I can't even wrap my brain around that. I don't know how tall you would be or how long your hair would be. I don't know how you would talk or what would make you smile. I struggled even trying to make you a cake this year because I don't know what flavor you would choose or what your favorite color would be. I made you pink brownies. I imagine you would still love chocolate.
I am struck this year on how much the world is missing out on not having you in it. Your fire and passion would have made an impact. In just 2 short years, you made such an impression on those you met. Your dimples and your grin stuck in people's minds. You weren't just one of the crowd. You, my little one, were special.
And you still are. There is a huge, aching, gaping hole that you left.
We still talk about you every single day. You are always apart of our stories and our memories. And the honest truth is I still fight the thought that you aren't here. You SHOULD be. You should be mothering Eli like I knew you would, and getting into Anna Faith's things, and yelling at Samuel for whatever was currently upsetting you. You should be making me pull my hair out and grin at the same time. You should be wrapping your daddy around your little finger and getting whatever you wanted with your spunkiness and persistence. And you most definitely should be fighting and playing and loving Gracie and Malachi, and your new baby sister Mila. It hurts so much that you aren't doing these things.
I know you will always be a part of us. We will never forget you. We will see you again. But we want you here now. And we always will. Today I'm just frustrated. And hurting. But I'm determined to tell your story. And remember you. And to live my life with the same passion you lived yours. You are my inspiration baby girl.
I treasure each tiny memory of you. I go over them in my head frequently--the images, thoughts, emotions, smiles. I physically ache to hold you and smell you and kiss your little head, even after 3 long years.
I will continue to fight your fight baby girl. I will fight for other children at risk--orphans fighting for survival, children in danger by vehicles. You drive me to fight for them. I have courage because you taught me how.
I love you my little bit. Happy 5th birthday!