Sunday, October 31, 2010

Halloween

I don't have anything profound to say, but I guess I have to start somewhere. I sit here tonight, just me and my snuggly little one. Eli is the most snuggly baby I have ever known. He is crawling and mobile, but prefers to lay in my arms, sucking his thumb, and gazing into my eyes. God knew I needed this one.

I have so many days where the thought of Abigail being gone is just too much. On those days, I just pretend she isn't gone. Today has been one of those days. A day when the pain is too much to bear.

The rest of my family, except the one missing, are our trick-or-treating. The level of guilt I feel for not being with them is profound. I have never missed one minute of Halloween. I usually do it up big. I make themed costumes and everyone participates. We hit every single fall festival/halloween event I can find. And we always trick or treat till we drop. This year, we have done none of the above. The kids put together their own costumes, and I haven't been at a single festival. My sweet friend very kindly took my kids to an event so that would get to go to something, but that is it. We spent all day working on the house pretending it was just a regular day and then Michael took them out tonight while I sit here at home pretending it is just a break. We have done so little Halloween this year, my kids actually didn't believe me when I told them it was the day. Wow.

My feelings here are so conflicting. I want to be there with them. I don't want to waste a minute with them. But, it feels just so wrong to not have little bit here in the middle of all of us. Today would have been the ultimate excitement for her. We would have had her in the cutest of costumes, and she would have been so thrilled to knock on doors and get candy. Nothing excited her more in this world than chocolate. Last year she had a blast. This year would have been even better. I am that crazy person that started planning this Halloween last year, and her unexpected absence is just so profound and apparant.

This year, the Halloween-themed decorations are like knifes in my heart. I see tombstones and images of death taken lightly everywhere I turn. It has never bothered me before. It bothers me now.

My struggle is when to push myself and when to let the grief win. Tonight the grief is winning. I am sitting at home, missing watching my others have their night. Next year, maybe I will be stronger.

11 comments:

  1. Love to you! It is OK to be torn - not that I know but... it has to be a part of the process. I am sorry you have to learn how to live without Abigail - it breaks my heart! I'm so glad you are finding this venue helpful to the process.
    Blessings, Comfort and Peace to you!!!!!!

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  2. Brandy, it's like you're in my head. That's my life to a tee. Last year was so new, I couldn't keep it together. I think Casper put up so decorations with the kids - just to keep himself sane. This year, we got the decorations down from the attic a month ago, but they never made it out of their boxes. We didn't decorate and the costumes were purchased last year. I burst into tears when I read "God knew I needed this one." about Eli. I said that when Chapel surprised the world by coming early, right after her Story's first birthday. I don't know how I would have made it through the anniversary of her death without Chapel in my arms. I want to say it gets easier, but it's day by day and little baby steps. We took the kids 'real' trick-or-treating this year. So that was a step. But we didn't hit every fall festival, and Halloween celebration like I've always done before. We got the decorations down, but didn't put them out. But we did deck out the kids and took them out. One step closer to our "new normal". I love you Brandi, and I am so sorry we have *this* in common.

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  3. I forgot to add, I totally feel your pain on the tombstones and death taken so lightly .... last year I cried every time I saw a tombstone, or a skeleton thinking, that's all I have of my baby. How can the whole world think this is fun? I remember the first horror movie I watched, it had a body bag - I just started screaming - turn it off and I cried for days. It's a "new normal" that will continue to adjust itself daily.

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  4. You know that we are all here for you, and I am glad that you have a place to express your feelings without judgment or comments from others. This pain is one I couldn't begin to bare, but you do it with style and grace,showing others how to begin to face such a trial.
    ~Know that God is with you and we are all here as your hands and feet, when life gets to hard to bare♥

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  5. I never feel like I have words but I want you to know you are constantly on my mind and in my prayers.

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  6. I thought of you so much this weekend. I agree that the tombstones and morbid "decorations" are ridiculous. Every time I saw one this year I cringed, thinking of how your family would have to see these things. I know Abigail would have been hysterically adorable in her costume and while she was trick or treating.

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  7. I have thought about you all weekend, all season. I know the next months coming are going to continue to be excruciating. All I can do is pray and promise to be here. I love you so much.
    Kate

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  8. I've been thinking about you so much. Man did that sweet kid love her chocolate! I think it's good that you took a time out tonight. Sometimes we all need that. (((hugs)))

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  9. I thought about you all day yesterday. Praying for you, wishing there was more to do. I can only imagine the next few months will be so hard. So many firsts without her, it isn't right. Please know I will keep praying for you and your family.

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  10. <3 I have missed seeing pictures of Abigail in costume this year with chocolate smeared all over her face. I also looked at the morbid decorations differently this year.
    Daily prayers continue.

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  11. You know that book "going on a bear hunt"? The line can't go over it, can't go under it, got to go through it reverberated in my head after my daughter died. It's been five years and just this year I was able to not be totally sickened by the halloween decor. It's different when you have buried a child..so so different. Praying for your family...the only "good" thing about the firsts without your child is that you never have to experience the "firsts" again - someone told me that the first year after Emma passed away. God will bring you to a place of peace but time, oh it passes so slowly yet quickly. You are on my heart.

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