This week has been insanity. What an emotional roller coaster. We started out Monday with Samuel's surgery. I prepared for it as I had wished I had been able to prepare for Abigail's accident. I took pictures of him with each of us, talked about all his favorite things, and, in general, tried to remember every tiny detail...just in case... I think so much of my life is lived that way now. The reality of losing my children hasn't changed. Children are just as likely (or not likely depending on your perspective) to die as before, but I expect it now. It is real to me in a way it was never before. I know that pain. Anyway, I walked him to that door and handed him off to the nurse. I watched him walk down the hall and did not expect him to come back. Imagine my surprise when he did come back fine a short time later.
All week I have been dealing with a whiney, miserable, post-op 5 year old. I have been blessed and thankful. It has been a miserable week because he is miserable, but I am so thankful I was able to care for him instead of plan his funeral.
Eli has been teething. Wow, I am once again so thankful for the extra fussy baby. Not because he is miserable. Not because he has made my life difficult this week, but because he is here to cause me distress.
Nathan turned 13. Normally I would have cried endlessly that he is growing up and is closer to moving out. Now I am once again thankful. I have had 13 years with him. I would give just about anything to have had that long with Abigail. I have had the opportunity to see him grow and change. He is so mature and calm now. We have come a long way.
As I sit at the end of a very difficult week and reflect, I know that my perspective has changed. I know that I see life so differently now. Some changes are not good-I expect my kids to die. Some are good-I am constantly reminded of how thankful I am in even the worst moments. Abigail, regardless, you have changed my view of the world. I miss arguing with you most of all. I love your spunk. I have always loved how you know your own mind. In that moment, I didn't enjoy your passion fully everytime, but I do now. You lived every minute and I am so thankful for that.