Saturday, November 13, 2010

My Week-perspective

This week has been insanity. What an emotional roller coaster. We started out Monday with Samuel's surgery. I prepared for it as I had wished I had been able to prepare for Abigail's accident. I took pictures of him with each of us, talked about all his favorite things, and, in general, tried to remember every tiny detail...just in case... I think so much of my life is lived that way now. The reality of losing my children hasn't changed. Children are just as likely (or not likely depending on your perspective) to die as before, but I expect it now. It is real to me in a way it was never before. I know that pain. Anyway, I walked him to that door and handed him off to the nurse. I watched him walk down the hall and did not expect him to come back. Imagine my surprise when he did come back fine a short time later.

All week I have been dealing with a whiney, miserable, post-op 5 year old. I have been blessed and thankful. It has been a miserable week because he is miserable, but I am so thankful I was able to care for him instead of plan his funeral.

Eli has been teething. Wow, I am once again so thankful for the extra fussy baby. Not because he is miserable. Not because he has made my life difficult this week, but because he is here to cause me distress.

Nathan turned 13. Normally I would have cried endlessly that he is growing up and is closer to moving out. Now I am once again thankful. I have had 13 years with him. I would give just about anything to have had that long with Abigail. I have had the opportunity to see him grow and change. He is so mature and calm now. We have come a long way.

As I sit at the end of a very difficult week and reflect, I know that my perspective has changed. I know that I see life so differently now. Some changes are not good-I expect my kids to die. Some are good-I am constantly reminded of how thankful I am in even the worst moments. Abigail, regardless, you have changed my view of the world. I miss arguing with you most of all. I love your spunk. I have always loved how you know your own mind. In that moment, I didn't enjoy your passion fully everytime, but I do now. You lived every minute and I am so thankful for that.


  1. Sigh, beautifully written. Your story always haunts me especially when I find myself eager for the kids to go on to bed so I can have some peace or for a chance to go somewhere without them for the same reason. I now have a little voice in my all the time gently and constantly reminding me that nothing, absolutely nothing is guaranteed. "Katherine, quit looking to the future so much, be in the now with what you have now, remember it, cherish it. You never know what the next few minutes hold. No matter how in control you feel." This what I hear in my mind constantly since Abigail left us.

  2. ((hugs)) it is so sad that losing children is part of our reality. this is a pain that i think no one should have to bear. abigail is so lucky to have a devoted, loving momma like you. i'm so sorry my friend. no one deserves to feel this hurt.

  3. I wish so much that we could have gotten this perspective shift without the loss of your precious baby girl. I know what you mean about being grateful instead of sad about time passing now. I think of that often, which makes me think of Abigail. It is one of the many many gifts she has given me. But as always, I would give it back so that you could hold her again on this earth.

  4. It is amazing to read this and feel your pain in a greater way then when we sat in your living room and you expressed this in fewer words. I left understanding it was an emotional week, but I now see the emotion behind it as I cried all the way through your post. You have helped me appreciate the difficult times of mothering. Thank you for doing that. Much love!

  5. I am so thankful for the lessons I've learned as a result of knowing you and sweet Abigail. This past week a 22 year old died, he too was hit by a car. It really messed with me - why? Why are there so many accidents like this? What is going on? Then God showed me how death heightens life. I have not wrapped my mind around that thought fully but I think that is what your post confirms to me. Death indeed heightens life - it heightens the value of the mundane AND it heightens the value of the lost life. The lost life was always of the same value - it is just that we were not as tuned in to notice it fully because we are busy living the mundane. Death comes in and swoops ordinary out of our lives, if we are lucky to embrace the lesson of tasting every bite of life. The ordinary perspective does not embrace the full value of life. I don't know if this makes sense or if this seems to 'assume' I understand because I've seen people lose dear ones. (That's not my intention! I know I have no real clue.) I just know what God is showing me in this 'from the outside in' perspective and all I can say is her death has multiplied beauty hidden within it that we are so blessed if we can catch a glimpse of it. I don't know how to say this - so I'll stop now. It is in my head but I cannot get the words out. Anyway, love to you and your precious family! Praying for Samuel to feel 100 times better this week! Blessings!