I couldn't sleep last night. Contrary to popular opinion, I do love sleep. I would quite happily nap 3 hours a day and sleep 10 at night. That doesn't usually happen because of the insanity of our schedule but restless nights are just not something I've ever struggled with till last April. Now those nights are all too common. My go to place when I am alone with the darkness and the loss is usually facebook. It is a great distraction. But lately, I've been trying to make myself take control of my memory-not just run from my memory. When those times of desperation hit, I want to dwell on thoughts of her, not shut down. But I want those thoughts to be of her dimples, her eyes, her smile, not death and hospital beds. Those horrifying images like to creep in during the night, and they can be so terrifying that they can rob me of beautiful thoughts of my baby. So I'm focusing. I'm trying to recall one specific memory and dwell there.
Last night I focused on her walk. There is no way I can describe to you how my little bit walked when she had business she wanted to take care of. She hunched over, put her hands on her knees, and did this march step, all with such a serious face. Abigail knew what she wanted, what she needed to do, and she wasted no time in doing it. Even when pushing her babies in strollers- she didn't take a mothering, nurturing, dainty stroll. Oh no. Not my spunky one. She hunched down and barrelled through the living room, and anyone in her way better move soon. Don't slow her down. She has places to be. Every step she took was purposeful, even in play.
I tend to stay busy. God, direct my steps. Make them purposeful for things of You, not just busy for busy sake. I am trying to learn the lessons my little one taught me-boldness, passion, purpose. Abigail-I miss that walk. You always made me smile. I'm so thankful I was able to just watch you so many times. I love you baby girl. When thoughts of you come to me in the night, I look forward to dwelling on those details I adore so much.