I don't dream much. Never have. When I do dream, I notice. I want to dream of Abigail, but when I do, the experience shakes me. Here are the 3 dreams I have had of her.
1-Early on I dreamed she was sleeping with me. This was the most real dream I have every had. I felt her. I smelt her. I touched her soft baby hair. I couldn't see her. I was asleep myself in my dream. It begain as a realization that there was a little person in bed with Michael and I. Having kids, that isn't an uncommon occurence, but in my dream state, I couldn't quite figure out which one it was. I just enjoyed the moment of snuggling with my little one. As I started to form the thought in my head that this was Abigail, she stood up and jumped from the bed and disappeared. I grabbed for her and woke up sobbing.
2-I dreamed we were in a long hall with lots and lots of people. There were stairs at intervals in this hall. Michael was up ahead of me and he was coming toward me so excited and emotional. He was holding Abigail and screaming "I found her! I found her!" I was so thrilled. My ecstasy at that moment can't even be put in words. We had "lost" her, but now she was back with us. I started trying to share my enthusiam with all the people around us. I was putting her in their faces and showing her to them saying, "she is back! he found her!" To my surprise and annoyance, no one even seemed to notice. They gave me such a strange look and then passed on by. They didn't see her. I was so confused so I carried her to a large mirror in the hall and looked in. The child I thought I was holding wasn't there. I could see her in my arms, but in the mirror, she disappeared.
3-I dreamed that I was crying and was so desperate to see my baby girl. Michael said to me that you know you can visit her anytime you want. I was very surprised and frustrated that no one had told me before. If I could have been visiting her, why didn't anyone say?! Well, I went to visit her (I have no idea how I travelled), and arrived at the gates of heaven. It was very much a pearly gates kind of place, and I could see Abigail but she was behind a heavy plastic sheet--much the same as you would see in construction areas. I could see her and talked to her (though muffled) but I couldn't actually touch her--only through the plastic. My lasting impression of that dream is that she was smiling. Oh, how she was smiling. Her smile was never-ending and didn't lessen the entire time. I knew in the dream that she was smiling because she was happy, but also because she was happy to see me.
My heart soars with the knowing that one day you will be reunited with Abigail, but the day to day you must endure without her now tears my heart out. The longing - I can only imagine, and poorly at that. I know you did not ask to be one who inspires us - but I always hug my kids more fully than I did before. I'm less annoyed, or I try to be, with the silly interruptions. But I know that doesn't help you. There is fruit - even if to you the trade off is not just. I'm so sorry for that!
ReplyDeleteI can't imagine what those dreams must really feel like. I used to pray that you'd have comforting dreams, that would allow you to hold her for a few hours while you slept and give you some way of visiting her in heaven, maybe a way to get you through the day until you can "see" her again in your dreams. My heart hurts when I read this, because these dreams do not seem comforting. I just can't fathom the pain you must feel. I can imagine a pain that would probably just cause me to stop breathing altogether, and knowing what you feel is worse than that makes my heart hurt. It's still so hard to believe that she's not running around your house right now, dressed in a tutu, with bows in her hair.
ReplyDeletethat second dream haunts me all the time. i remember you telling me about it. and i just ache when i think of it, which i do often.
ReplyDeletecan i just say again that i hate this. i hate this. i hate this. i want you to have her.
i hope you dream of her often and see her beautiful smile every time you close your eyes.
Brandy, I too had many, many dreams the year that I grieved my Momma. A few were great, like the one I shared with you before, but many were horrible. On those days I was a basket case, barely living through the day. I finally broke down and cried out to God to take away the bad dreams. I desperately wanted to dream of her, but only if it was enjoyable. It was hard to pray that prayer, b/c I wanted to visit her every night in my dreams and I didn't want the dreams to stop. The Lord is gracious. He heard my cries and he answered my prayers. He knew my heart. He still allows me to visit her in my dreams, but never again have I had a disturbing dream. Only dreams that bring me joy and peace. Though, I know the pain of grief, I can't fathom or imagine the hurt you are experiencing now. I pray for you , Micheal and the kids often!
ReplyDeleteI hear you are sharing this and it makes me break down to pray for peace. I feel this pain in my core and know that it is only 5% of what you are feeling as you experience this. I will continue to pray for the pain to be lessened and that God will bring peace again. I hope that one day you can also dream of dancing with your lil' bit and once again see her in heaven without such separation. The dream where you are holding her but no others can see or care, is real. They surround you with empty words and try to direct you to the "next" happiness, but without Abigail there is no complete happiness....as you and Michael heal I hope that others will begin to see the child that touches so many others from near to far♥ To touch her again in a way that only God can create and to bring joy and happiness to those who will only know her as your child who is in heaven.
ReplyDeleteSo I've been reading various posts on your blog for over an hour now. I started to comment on several, but wanted to just keep reading. I've cried over at least a few of them.
ReplyDeleteThat first dream must have been absolutely horrendous. I am so, so sorry.
I had a dream that was quite similar to your third one, about my brother who died March 22, 2011. I was able to somehow go visit him, but saw him through some thick plastic or glass. He was also smiling a lot, and said something hysterically funny, so that I woke up laughing - and then crying.