Sunday, December 26, 2010

Dear Abigail on Christmas

Dear Little Bit,
Christmas without you was awful. I thought of you every step of the way. Buying presents for 4 and not 5, wrapping for 4 not 5, putting out gifts for 4 not 5. It all felt so wrong. It is wrong that you aren't here. It isn't fair and we feel that hole so vividly. Each step and each moment, we thought of how things would be different if you were here. What would you have wanted? What would you have said about the lights and Santa this year? You loved him last year. You loved every moment of the holiday. This year would have been such fun.

We kept you in our family's Christmas though. We hung your stocking. We each wrote down letters and memories of you. Your stocking is stuffed to overflowing with the thoughts we have of you and the things we want to say to you. Anna Faith was insistant that Santa would leave you some candy canes and he did. Samuel couldn't stop writing memories and drawing pictures. Nathan wrote you a letter. We all miss you so much.

We went on Christmas day to visit your grave. I like to be there. I feel closer to you. Your big present, your marker, is not a present I ever wanted to buy for you. I hope it does you justice. It will be here soon. We also had other gifts for you--a dolphin you would have loved and a bible verse stone. These things are just momentos for us to feel connected to you from so far away. It wasn't right to have Christmas and not have presents with your name on them under the tree, so we put some there and each of your siblings got to open one and leave it at your grave.

It snowed on Christmas. I know how you would have reacted. You got to see snow before you left us. You did not like the wet or the cold. You did not like the white flakes falling from the sky--too much like the dreaded rain. But you still went out and braved it all. You marched through that snow with purpose...until you fell on your behind and pitched a complete fit. I don't blame you-I don't like snow either. Would you have thought differently of the snow now? My only thoughts on it this year was that it kept me from spending as much time with you as I wanted at your grave.

I think of you as barely 2 still in my head. I can't imagine what you would be like now at 2 1/2. I have a good idea what you should look like since you look just like your big sister, but you are such your own person in personality. I ache to know how you would talk and the things you would know and what your preferences would be now.

We made it through Christmas without you but I missed you every second and everyone else did also. We didn't do much celebrating to be honest. We are celebrating your life and God's love in other ways this year.

I love you princess and always will.


  1. Brandy-that was beautiful. Thought of your family a lot yesterday as I always do. Thank you for sharing those special words to Abigail for all to see.

  2. As painful as this is for me to read, I know it is a billion times harder for you to live. My prayers for you and your family have never stopped. My prayers will continue. Hugs, and love my friend. Cristina

  3. This was truly beautiful. You brought tears to my eyes, and, once again, reminded me to hold my babies a little closer and not take for granted a minute I have with them. Thank you!

  4. i am also crying. as always i have no words. only prayers for you and a lot of love. i am just so very sorry and i wish so much she were here.

  5. Just sharing a hug for you Brandy. Praying for you this holiday season too.

  6. Wow....again I care for you so much and hate that you had to spend her favorite time of the year with her. It isn't right. I will continue to praying as you continue this journey and I thank you again for sharing those moments you had with her♥ I can picture her with snow as you described it, it brought tears of joy as I could see her stomping in it to show she was in charge!

  7. wish I had something profound to say but I don't. I hate this and it makes me want to cuss and break things and scream at God. I'm sorry Brandy. Praying for you so much.

  8. I was teary-eyed reading it, but just started sobbing uncontrollably at "Your big present, your marker, is not a present I ever wanted to buy for you."
    She should be here. It isn't right.
    Your amazing faith is the only thing that will dull the pain. I love you all.