Monday, December 6, 2010

Grief Rituals

My heart is heavy tonight for a family I don't know, but one who is just starting out on their own grief journey. I don't envy where they are. I can't imagine it actually. I know how awful it is to bury my 2 year old. I do know sudden loss. I don't know how hard it would be to bury my 7th grader. I wish they didn't know either.

One thing I noticed early on in this walk is the lack of meaningful grief traditions and rituals in our culture. I think, in a large part, most people are so removed from death that they are afraid to face its reality. It is one thing to watch mass slaughter on a movie screen, but a totally different thing to attend a funeral. Death happens. Tragic death happens. Child death happens. No, it isn’t pleasant, but it is so important to grieving families to have the freedom to mourn their lost. So many times I have felt pushed—whether intentionally or not—to just be ok. To not openly grieve. I am sure, if you are reading this, you are not one of those people. I need to grieve. Mothers who have buried their children cry out whether you hear them or not, whether they let you see it or not.

Historically, society has offered a variety of ways to recognize someone is in mourning so that others, strangers, are respectful. So that others know to not give those in mourning a huge grin and ask them if they are having a good day--to not try to make small talk in the grocery line and ask how many kids you have. I hate that question now. I think of Victorian days when those in mourning would wear a black arm band as a sign of mourning. If you met someone wearing such a sign, you would be respectful. You would recognize their pain and maybe treat them with a little more gentleness. And they would be given the freedom to grieve and mourn and not just put on a smiling face and continue about their day as if all was well.

I have to get out of the house. More and more, I have to go to the store or take my kids to the park. I have to face strangers. I avoid crowds and happy occasions as much as I can, but there are times when I get stuck. Times when I have to go. It is during those times more than any that I wish our culture offered some recognition of grief. Some grief tradition and ritual that others would recognize. The pain doesn’t stop for those grieving after you stop for their funeral procession to pass. In so many ways, it is just starting then.

I wear a black bracelet for me. It is my own sign of mourning. It is my outward representation of my inner pain and turmoil. If you see it, say a prayer for me. Respect me in my pain. And when you meet someone who doesn’t return your southern smile when you pass them in the mall, remember, they might be grieving too and treat them with gentleness not superficiality.

For this new family just starting to feel the depths of this pain tonight, I am so completely sorry. Words can't express how my heart is groaning for you right now. I know those holes and pits of grief you are soon to find. I wish you did not have to know this valley of the shadow. Grieve. Cry out. Let others around you carry some of your pain until you can. Don't fight the waves of grief that are coming. You can't avoid them. Take them one at a time as they come. I would love to sit with you if you are open to that.

7 comments:

  1. Wonderful post, Brandy. Comes at an interesting time for me - it's 35 years today since my 17yo aunt that we've talked about died. You know that my grandma didn't grieve openly or much even visibly. I wish more than anything that neither you nor she nor anyone else had to know this pain, but I am grateful that you are grieving in a way that shows others how to help each other through it. Praying for you tonight. <3

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  2. Very well said Brandy. I don't know the grief you have, but I do know grief and it is hard to sometimes to smile like nothing is wrong. My grandmother buried two of her grown kids and she talked very openly to me about her pain. The pain never died for her she missed them everyday she just seemed to learn how to live with it as best she could. Do not ever be afraid to grieve the way you need to. Grief is a very personal journey and everyone deserves respect to grieve the way they need too. I had two miscarriages and I grieved each one, but I still think of the children they would be now, but I seldom say anything because usually I hear move on its done. So from that perspective I do understand where you are. I love you and your family and pray for you and think of you often.

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  3. Thank you for sharing your heart! Thank you for not shutting down - you are a lighthouse, even if to you it feels very dark. It would be so very helpful to have some sort of well known indicator of grief. I have a new found respect for grief - thanks to you.

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  4. Brandy, I am so thankful that you pointed out that if someone doesn't return your smile, maybe it has nothing to do with you; maybe they are hurting. It is a good reminder to say a prayer. I also am glad that you have your bracelet. When I lost a baby 4 years ago, I needed some tangible, visible thing to help me through my grief, but also as a reminder that that baby existed, even if I couldn't hold it. I had a birthstone ring made for the month when the baby was due, and now I feel like the baby is always a part of our family, and will never be forgotten. I think it's so important to do what YOU need to do to grieve. We all grieve differently.

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  5. Ohhhh, I am so with you on this. Everyone wants you to just be OK. I wanted to hang a black wreath on my door to remind everyone of what we were walking through...not for sympathy but just to HONOR our child and remind others it is a long road.

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  6. My mom just sent me the little 'skull cap' type hat from the sixties that my grandma wore - as a sign of grief. I would like you to have it if you're so inclined. I'm thinking based on your post and based on the age and authenticity, this may bring a serious bid for your cause. It is crca 1950. Mom and I read your blog, if this can fetch a good price, we want you to have it.

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  7. That would be wonderful. Thank you so much!

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