Thursday, December 2, 2010

Grief and Hope

My heart is such a jumbled mess right now. On one hand, I am so overwhelming sad and burdened today. I just miss my little girl. The world has lost so much of its shine for me and that is so crystal clear now in the holiday season. I usually love the holidays (any excuse for an holiday), but I have made a short list of things I have to do to get through this one, and I am not doing anything extra. I am just holding my breath and trying to get through in one piece. I am also hurting for all of those other mommas out there without their little ones. I have a long list of strong women in this club with me-the club no one wants to be in. You all have supported me and encouraged me and cried with me over the past few months. Some of you have been through this before--the holiday season no one wants to have. Some of you are even newer on this journey than I am. I hurt for each of you. It is not fair and it is frustrating and it just makes me angry that we are having to learn how to do this. No matter how far I get from Abigail (or how much closer, depending on your perspective), I will always want her. I will always want her to be here, with us, where she should be. I know each of you are longing for the same with your little ones.

On the other hand, I am emotional today because of the overwhelming support we have received from you all in the past few days with our adoption fundraising. Wow! Never in my wildest dreams would I have imagined the outpouring of love I have seen. You have been willing to step up and help a child you have never met. You are saving a life. We are called to take care of orphans and you are doing just that. I have had so many wonderful questions about this adoption. I will write up the whole story and post soon the details that I can post in public. Mostly just know this, God has called us to adopt. That calling is clear. We are stepping out on faith to follow through with this calling. Am I worried about financing this? No. That is God's job. Am I waiting till everything is worked out and this is easy? No. That is also God's job. My only job is to follow His calling. I hear so often, I would love to do (fill in the blank here). My question is what are you waiting for? Is it a matter of money? God will provide. So what if it stretches you. You can't take your money with you in the end. In view of eternity, earthly riches mean nothing. Am I a stronger person? No way. ( I have a whole post on that topic that I have yet to write). Our purpose and calling is to share the love of God and that is what we are doing by opening our home and our family to a little girl without one. Thank you all for being a beautiful part of that. Of Abigail's story. Of the story of an eastern European orphan.

Many more fundraisers on the way! You have all had wonderful ideas and I am trying them all out. Keep spreading the word. Keep changing the world--one child at a time.


  1. I'm so glad you shared your blog with us. (This is brandyshea from AM). I cannot even imagine how hard the holidays are for you. The holidays have been a bad time for me the past couple of years because of the reminders of what I don't have and might never have (a child to share it with). But, like I said, I can't imagine having that, and then having it so cruelly taken away.

    I think about you often and wish the very best for you and your family.

  2. Thank you for sharing about your beautiful, feisty Abigail. I'm so sorry.

    Am I right in understanding that you are adopting from Guizhou? Our DD is from Guizhou.

  3. Hi there, I'm a friend of Kate H's (mama of 4 who just had her newest one) and have been following your story for a few months now. I think of you so often and send so much love your way. Wanted to share two things with you today: one is a story that I heard on NPR this morning that immediately made me think of you and so many others ~ The second is that my sister is the adoptive mom of 2 orphans - 1 from Kazakhstan and one from China. She fundraised for her first adoption, and I would love to put the two of you in touch with each other. She is also passionate about making sure that orphans have forever families, and that families with love to give have children they are longing for. Grateful that you are sharing your story with all of us, and amazed at your resourcefulness!!

  4. ((hugs)) glad that you have received such an outpowering of support. that is Abigail's love at work

  5. We are adopting from eastern europe. I would love to talk further with anyone who has been through this process before. Thanks!